Pittsburgh Internet Dating Stories

Last night, Cathy Day gave a reading from her new book, Comeback Season: How I Learned to Play the Game of Love, at the Joseph Beth Booksellers in the Southside Works. She drew a large crowd – the booksellers kept having to bring out more chairs.

I went with a guy friend I met on Match.com, and saw a couple of familiar faces in the crowd, including Samatha Bennett, award winning columnist for the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, and fellow blogger Cynthia Closkey (My Brilliant Mistakes), but luckily no men from Match dates gone bad.

Cathy is very funny, and anyone who makes me laugh gets my $25 – I bought her book and started reading it last night. I already found passages that have rung really true for me. Here’s one:

“That’s when hits me. I’m not looking for dates in Pittsburgh. I’m not looking to get laid. I’m really not even looking for a husband. What I want, what I need is a family. This realization surprises the hell out of me, and something completely absurd and incongruous pops into my head [a scene from the movie Shall We Dance in which Susan Sarandon says:]

‘We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does one life really mean? But in marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, every day. You’re saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will witness it. ”

- Cathy Day, Comeback Season, page 37

I had struggled for years to get out of my marriage. Whenever I brought up the subject, my ex would say “I’m not leaving my kids. If you want out of this marriage, you leave.” Since I refused to leave my kids too, we’d reach an impasse.

We might have gone on forever, not realizing how unhappy we were, if he didn’t take 6 week long business trips each summer. When he was gone, I felt a weight lifted – I was lighter, more free, happy and when he came back I always crashed.

Finally, he agreed to leave.

This should have been a great victory for me but I found it very hard, and I couldn’t understand why. But I think this passage helps.

For 20 years I had a witness to my life, someone listened to me, someone who noticed. Now he might have noticed all the wrong things – like when I gained 5 pounds or had bitten down all my fingernails, or laughed too loud , or sat the wrong way, or befriended the “wrong” people. But I was still noticed by someone. I still counted.

When we separated, even though I stayed in the same house, with the same 3 kids, kept the same job, and outwardly had very little change to my daily life, I felt unanchored, like I was floating around lost.

Maybe part of that was not having someone who “had” to listen to what happened at the office today, or how Zack was doing in World History, or what piece of furniture the dog chewed.

My desire to blog might have come from the same need to have a witness to my life. And the blog has had a lot fewer entries lately, partly because I am in a relationship, which means I’ve got someone to listen to my stories again (even if his eyes do glaze over at times if I talk too much about office politics…)

As I read through Cathy’s book, I’ll give more comments. I think it’s great that we have a local writer who has a published book on online dating, especially one that’s so brutally honest – and in her own name.

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Beth called me the other day. She was upset with her ex-husband, Fred. Fred had taken their teenagers (16 year old twins – a boy and a girl) out to dinner Tuesday night and had announced to them that he had gotten a vasectomy a week earlier. Beth had been trying to very circumspect in her dating, knowing she was setting an example to her teenagers, and was very upset.

“He might as well have announced to them that he was having sex” she fumed. “Teenage kids don’t want to think of their parents doing ‘it’. And now what about all my lectures about not having sex outside of marriage? They are hardly going to listen to them anymore knowing their father is sleeping around!”

I tried to calm Beth down, and gently reminded her that she was dating and was hardly celibate herself.

“But I’m not telling the world that.” she said, “and I am certainly not telling my children!”

Beth was actually glad Fred had had the medical procedure. He had been dating a lot of younger women, and her fear had been that he would remarry and start another family, and then forget about his older children. She had 4 years of double college tuition ahead, and had been counting on his help – if he remarried and had a baby and day care to pay for, he might have a harder time swinging it.

But what about the effects of this on her kids?

She went back and had a heart-to-heart with them, and found they were not nearly as upset as she had been. In fact, they were glad they would never be competing with younger siblings for his attention and resources. As for the fact that he was having intimate relations ouside of marriage, her daughter just rolled her eyes. “Mom, it’s not like we didn’t already know that! Dad hardly kept it a secret.”

Then she looked at Beth and said, “Now if I found out you were having sex, that would be so gross. I just can’t imagine it, and it would really bother me. But Dad? I would expect it.”

So it turns out there is still a double standard (at least in Beth’s daughter’s eyes) about sex. I know men who would be secretly proud to find out that their sons were getting some, but really upset if their daughter were.

Is this your experience, or is this just among a few people in the Mt Lebanon Catholic School crowd?

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More real quotes from online profiles of men and women in the Pittsburgh area:

About me and what I’m looking for:
I am looking for a guy with an air conditioner. Its really hot outside and very hot in my bedroom at night. I enjoy the simply things in life — cold air. Once the summer is over, I am ok with going back to being single.

About me and what I’m looking for:
i am beuatiful and thin i will do anything fun i like to listen to music i love animals im very smart. i had many boyfriends but no marriges one was close but he died in a car accident ten months ago.

About me and what I’m looking for:
I am a gay man trapped inside a womans body! Yeah, figure that one out. If we ever talk I’ll explain that.
I have been described as crazy, unique, silly, weird, you know, the usual complimentary terms for a woman (oops, I meant for a gay man). I like to think of myself as unique.

About me and what I’m looking for:
I’ve played the hand I was delt NOW I’m ready to stack the deck in my favor. The late Erma Bombec wrote” Life happens when your not looking”But boy I am looking this time-so bring it on.

About me and what I’m looking for:
I like adventure and will adapt to almost any setting. I am new here so I don’t know what to say. … I give up.

What is Your Religion?
I’m Orthodox Christian. My faith is very important to me. That said, I don’t expect anyone else to understand, so I don’t push my belief system on anyone. All those who do can suck it.

What is Your Religion?
I am a God-Fearing woman who is a practicing Catholic. However, I’m not happy with the actions of the Catholic Church! Plus… since I’m divorced, I’m going to HELL when I die! (ha ha ha!) WHY DOES CHURCH WINE TASTE LIKE MAD-DOG?!?!

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I got a knock on my door an hour ago and it was my new neighbors, Pete and Margaret. I had slipped an invitation for a “Leap Day Adult Neighborhood Mixer” under their door earlier today. They moved in before Christmas, and I had tried many times to introduce myself to them then – running over in the cold with the same plate of home-baked pecan shortbread cookies (drizzled in chocolate) about a half a dozen times before I gave up and ate the cookies myself.

Some of the neighborhood ladies thought it would be a good idea to have an adult mixer – that is, invite the men too – to supplement our weekly “Ladies’ Respite Hours” and I volunteered to host. Something about the Leap Year and Feb 29 captured my imagination, and I sent out a little invitation with a photo of someone leaping and the quote “Leap and the Net Will Appear” (this has been my motto for the last week – thanks Susan!)

Anyway, Pete and Margaret had dropped by to tell me they couldn’t come to the party, but they wanted to say thank you for the invitation. I herded them in out of the snow so I could hear their story. I had heard parts of it from neighbors and now wanted it from the horse’s mouth.

Pete (New Jersey, 50′s, divorced, 3 children in college and high school) and met Margaret (Mt Lebanon, 40′s, divorced, 2 children in middle school) through eHarmony.com on Sept 11, 2008. They emailed each other for about 10 days before Pete drove 7 hours from New Jersey to meet Margaret. A month later they had bought the beautiful stone house next door and were married. It was quick but they were both sure, and they were now enjoying getting to know each other better.

This was Margaret’s first attempt at online dating, but Pete had tried some of the other sites, and he hadn’t liked them. He enjoyed the guided email conversations of eHarmony, and felt that by the time he met Margaret he really knew her.

Pete told me that it was only after he met Margaret that he realized that he had never been in love before, and of course that made me really like him.

I am an hopeless romantic and I love happy endings.

Pete and Margaret – welcome to the neighborhood – we wish you all the best!

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Cathy Day writes about her experiences with Chemistry.com in this excerpt from her book, Comeback Season: How I Learned to Play the Game of Love:

My credit card bill drops through the mail slot, and there’s another $99 charge from Chemistry.com. How can this be? The last time I talked to them, I said I wouldn’t be renewing my membership. So I get on the horn with Chemistry.

“How may we help you today?”

“Yes, I’m calling about an incorrect charge.”

The customer service concierge looks up my account information. “I see that you were charged for another three-month membership.”

“Yes, well, I called you guys a few months ago to complain about the lack of response I was getting, and at that time, I told you I didn’t want to renew my membership.”

The concierge explains that this is not the proper procedure to cancel a membership.

I ask, “So calling customer service and saying, ‘I don’t want to renew,” isn’t the right procedure?”

No, it is not. Apparently, when I joined Chemistry in July, I agreed to their automatic renewal terms. Apparently, I was supposed to cancel my membership online, not over the phone. And I cannot cancel my membership now, today, and receive a pro-rated refund. There’s a deadline after which you’re locked in for the full three months, and that deadline came and went—two days ago.

The concierge says, “Also I see that, since the automatic renewal went into effect, you have used our services.”

I laugh. “No, I haven’t.”

“Yes ma’am, you have,” the matchmaking concierge insists. “I see here that you logged in a few weeks ago and communicated with a Robert?”

Robert the Gambler! I forgot about that. I wanted to ask him a dumb question: “When you say that a woman must love to gamble, do you mean that literally or figuratively?” The answer—literally—is going to cost me $99.

“Look,” I say, “I wouldn’t have logged in if I thought it was going to cost me anything. I assumed you were giving me free time on my membership, like you do for men.”

Silence. “Ma’am, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I would like to ask you one question. How many male members do you have within a twenty mile radius of Pittsburgh?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have that—”

No! Strike that! How many ACTIVE male members do you have within a twenty mile radius of Pittsburgh?”

“We don’t have that information available.”

“Oh, but I’m sure you do! Somewhere in that computer of yours, I’ll bet you know exactly how many men use Chemistry in the Pittsburgh area. I’m a consumer, and I deserved to know that information so I could decide if I was going to get my money’s worth, because let me tell you, I did NOT get my money’s worth from your service.”

Pause. “I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but we can’t make any guarantees. Basically, we only provide a means for people to communicate with each other.”

“Communicate…with…each…other,” I say, drawing those words out. “Exactly. Look in your computer there and see how many men actually responded to my profile.”

“I see a Rick…”

“Yes, Rick, who informed me that he hasn’t paid for his Chemistry membership in a long time. He told me that he thinks you guys don’t have enough men on your roll to satisfy female customers, so you just keep giving men like him free renewals!”

“No, ma’am. That is not our policy.”

“Aren’t you owned by the same company as Match.com?”

Pause. “Yes.”

“Well, here’s what I think. You guys were sending me profiles of men who don’t actually subscribe to Chemistry. They subscribe to Match.com. You borrowed their information from Match to artificially inflate your rolls and keep women like me happy!”

“No, ma’am. That is not our policy.”

“Why should I have to pay $99…TWICE…when a man doesn’t have to pay anything? That is a discriminatory. You’re taking advantage of women.”

“No, ma’am. That is not our policy.”

I’m so mad, I don’t know what to do with myself. “You’re not going to do anything to help me, are you? You’re going to charge me another $99 and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it?”

The concierge maintains a neutral tone. “There’s nothing I can do.”

“Put this in your computer. When this three-month membership is over, it’s over. Got it?”

“Yes. I’ll take care of it.”

“Good!”

I hang up the phone and scream so loud that my cat jumps straight up in the air. Then I call my mom. “These people…these people!” I stammer.

“Cathy? What’s wrong?”

I tell her exactly what’s wrong.

Mom sighs. “You know, when you started doing this, I was afraid for you. I thought the men you met might turn out to be bad people. But so far, they’ve turned out to be pretty normal. Pretty nice.”

“I know! It’s these snake oil salesmen who’re driving me crazy!”

“They should be ashamed of themselves,” Mom says.

“I don’t think they give a shit,” I sigh. “You know what I’m going to do?”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to prove I was right. I’ve seen guys on Match who I know I saw on Chemistry. I’m going to contact them and ask if they really joined Chemistry or not.”

“You go get ‘em!”

“Thanks, Mom.”

So Cathy – did you contact them? Were they paying for Chemistry.com? Other women I know form Pittsburgh who used the service reported that all their potential matches were from out of state.

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NOTE: CANCELED DUE TO WEATHER.
We’ll let you know when it’s rescheduled.

On Tuesday, February 12 @ 7PM, Cathy Day will be reading from her book, Comeback Season: How I Learned to Play the Game of Love, at the Joseph Beth Booksellers in the Southside Works, 2705 E Carson St.

In 2005 Cathy an Indiana native, moved to Pittsburgh to start her dream job. She was 37, a college professor at Pitt, an acclaimed writer—and still single. Psyching herself up, she thought, “This is the year for the Colts and for me.” Instead, both Day and quarterback Peyton Manning faced heartbreaking end-of-season losses: the man in her life decided to punt, and the Colts fell to the Pittsburgh Steelers, the eventual Super Bowl champs. Her blue heart broken, Day vowed that if the Colts could come back in 2006 and try again, so can she.

Come pre-season, Day reluctantly joined an online dating service and went on practice dates while the Colts played practice games. Indy went 1-4 in the pre-season, which was better than Day’s record of 0-4. Lonely and dejected, Day returned home to watch Colts games with her family, who were full of well-intentioned relationship advice—much of it bad.

The 2006 season finally arrived. Each week that fall, the Colts battled a new adversary, and Day faced her enemies: her own romanticism, indecisive men, and her biggest foe, the singles industry. Friends and family delivered impassioned pep talks but could only watch anxiously from the sidelines as Day marched bravely into bars and coffee shops to meet perfect strangers. On the way to the Super Bowl, she discovered that the key to winning—in both love and football—exists somewhere between Trying Everything and Letting Go.

When I heard about Cathy’s book and reading, and emailed her to see if I could include some of her experiences on this blog. She was very gracious:

Hi Blue Eyes:

I am so glad someone pointed me to your blog a few months ago. I wish I’d known about it (or maybe it didn’t exist yet) when I was going through the experience myself. I think my book and your blog are coming from the same place…a way to make sense of and laugh at the situation.

You rock,

Cathy Day
www.cathyday.com

So on one of my slow dating days, I’ll share some of Cathy’s experiences. Meanwhile – I hope to see you at her reading: Tuesday, February 12 @ 7PM, at the Joseph Beth Booksellers in the Southside Works, 2705 E Carson St.

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Here are more quotes from real online dating profiles of potential dates in the Pittsburgh area. Kind of makes you wonder….

Love the outdoors. Hafta learn to hunt cause my son wants to hunt. Mr. Right would be someone who is honest an carin an could handle me an my kids. Haven’t found anyone that could yet.

——–

Im looking for someone who i can carry on a intelegent conversation my strongest field is science. I like to spend time with my nieces and i love with ducks!

——–

I LOVE WORKING WITH THE DISABLED AND THE ELDERLY. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT THAT THEY ARE LIKE THAT.

——–

I’ve found that the more I like and admire a man, the more I am attracted to him.

——–

well im a single mom my daughter is 11 she is malotta if you do not know what that means shes blk/wht im wht im 5’7 have blnd hair brwn eyes med build. i have a few tatoos yes i think they are very sexy but not every one thinks the same way either i like to try to make other people laugh all in fun meet for a drink go out for karoke night all night bolling perhaphs the movies or just a walk in the park if its raining out side perhaphs puddle stompin would it make you laugh

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Susan is a Love Goddess-In-Training – a hopeless romantic with a feisty, feminist edge who aspires to be more than a “Take a Tylenol and Wonder Why the Hell Dating Hasn’t Improved in 20 Years” kind of woman. She likes her alone time and herself, but darned if she doesn’t keep jumping into the murky waters of online dating, speed dating, and blind dates. We didn’t say she was smart. You can find her adventures on One-Woman Show – one woman’s tales of juggling life, laundry and love. Susan agreed to let me reprint her findings on the Pittsburgh on-line dating scene:

——–

Well, I knew I couldn’t avoid this question forever — you know, seeing that February is the month of LOVE (and Black History month, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, the Oscars, my car registration renewal, tax preparation time…). But it’s only fair that I tell you what happened after dazzling you and the millions who read my stories of excitement and chemistry here on my blog.

(Hey, those of you who really read the last several Love Goddess posts, just keep quiet, ‘kay?)

Here’s my topline summary of Susan’s Online Dating Experiment: Part Something-Something

Key Finding: One Woman’s Science is Another Woman’s Hell

In my opinion, Chemistry.com was definitely better than e-Harmony in providing me with more matches more often — and with fewer painstaking questions. But after 6-7 weeks of pretty much zip in results I decided I preferred a site where I could see who was out there, have an opportunity to interact with more people – on my terms – and leave the matchy-match decisions to moi, not some “scientific screening process”. After all, I know what I want and like — I’m a an analytical, scientific kind of gal!

Sure, sometimes I breeze through recipes and mistake the little (t)easpoon for a (T)ablespoon, and I singed my eyebrows lighting the barbeque that one time, and I never took Chemistry or Physics, but I’m very qualified.

Where was I?

Key Finding: People You Treat with Respect and Kindness Will Respond in Kind…Most of the Time

I signed off of Chemistry and signed onto Match.com for a month. What was another $35 in the pursuit of love? Even Dr. Phil was on board.

I received several winks and emails on Match, and I emailed a few guys myself. I responded back to every email and most of the winks I received. Maybe it’s stupid – unnecessary and a time waster – maybe it’s sweet as some guys wrote to me, but it’s always been my policy to respond back. I figure if someone took the time to contact me in a tactful and respectful manner the least I can do is to send a polite, kind “I’m flattered, but no thanks.” Besides, I type fast. And I did.

For the most part everyone was gracious, although a guy occasionally would get confused: What’s wrong? Why don’t you think we’re a match? Is it the way I look? Or the one guy who USED CAPITAL LETTERS AND WROTE THAT HE LIKED TO LAUGH A LOT AND MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AND HE WAS REALLY FUNNY LOL!!!! He told me I’d owe him $35 if I didn’t go out with him – HA, HA. I had no desire to go out with a cap-locked madman, but emailed him my standard “thanks but no thanks, best of luck.” His response: “OH, WELL, YOUR LOSS!!!”, which I imagined was meant to be read aloud with a maniacal laugh.

Note that he wrote me about a week later with a new pick-up line, apparently forgetting he had already been rejected. Delete. (LOL!!!)

And then there was the other guy — the one I had gone out with after this summer’s speed dating event. He emailed me, not recognizing me from before. I sent him a nice reminder that we’d already met and had gone out. (Unspoken words: we didn’t click, dude.) His response:

“Yes, now I remember you. Sorry I didn’t make the connection. Are your pictures recent? If so, you look like you’ve lost some weight. You look good in your pictures.
I hope you are well. Good luck.”

Mmmm. Apparently I made a larger impression in person. (Interestingly enough, one of the photos I posted was taken one week after I met him, and the other 2+ months after our date. And I weigh exactly the same as I did then.)

Key Finding: You Got to Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em

A month later, I had had dates with two nice, respectable men I didn’t click with, and I had been in communication, sort of, with a 33 year-old who liked to text me every 5 days with insightful, relationship-building comments like “how r u?” (After re-reviewing his profile, I also saw that I had overlooked the part about him living with roommates. Oops.)

I decided I had had enough — enough of men, emails, and online dating. I accepted online dating was a great way to connect with people I probably wouldn’t meet otherwise, but it wasn’t destined to be my ticket to happiness. I even commented as much on Terry Hernon MacDonald’s great Dating Advice (Almost Daily) blog and her post about Your Internet Profile.

I gave out a nondescript personal email address to 2 guys I had been emailing (and, yes, even Roomie) and signed off, this time for good.

Key Finding: It’s Smart to Listen to Terry (and Oprah, Buddha and Others)

A funny thing happened when I signed off of online dating. I exchanged an email or two with each guy at my home email. I already knew I didn’t have much interest in the one so, despite my “email in kind” policy, I let it peter out. Roomie texted me “hey” one day. That was it. I deleted it. I had my LASIK procedure and was lackadaisical about pretty much everything…except I finally talked by phone with my other match. We had a pleasant conversation, and a few days later he asked me to lunch.

We were surprised when we met. Really surprised. It turns out we had similar outlooks on life, relationships, family, etc. and liked each other. We clicked and I guess you could say we’ve been clicking ever since.

I’ve read and heard many times that if you ask the universe for what you want, it will give it to you. I also believe you have to take chances in life, risks and all. (See my refrigerator magnet: Leap and the Net will Appear.) I don’t know if the universe had a hand in this, or if meeting him was plain dumb luck, but right now we’re enjoying getting to know each other. It’s early, very early so I can’t say much more, but I will say I’ve been happily distracted. I may have even changed my opinion about online dating.

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Boyce is an experienced male serial dater who trawled plentyoffish.com for
several years. He shared this:

I love women of all faiths, but here’s my ranking of women’s hotness in bed by religion, from hottest to coldest:

1. Lapsed Catholics
2. Divorced Jewish women seeking goy boy toys
3. Atheists/Agnostics
4. Mainstream Protestants (Methodist, United Presbyterian)
5. Practicing Catholics
6. Unitarians (Too politically correct)
7. Fundamentalist Protestants (though being a “Preacher’s Kid” helps a lot)
8. Wiccans/Spiritualists/New Agers (Smelly … and no food in the house)
9. Single, never married Jewish women

Notes:

There are exceptions to the above, and I have no background research on Buddhists, Hindus or Muslims. This is just my experience.

Anglican/Episcopal congregations are full of men and women who desire the negative view of sexuality of the Catholic Church … but don’t want to take the chance of possibly sitting next to poor people in church.

Lapsed Catholics along with atheists experience the least amount of guilt following a sexual encounter. Anglicans are actually really bad with post-coital guilt. This comes from British roots where the women realize they should have been closing their eyes and “thinking of England” and the men realize they should have been blowing some other British pansy.

I don’t know how large Boyce’s data set was but I’d be interested in other men’s experiences. I have my own theory about lapsed Catholic women which I may share in another post…

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An executive at a big company in Ohio emailed me. He traveled all over the world with his job and, unlike local Pittsburgh guys who didn’t think I was worth the gas money to cross a bridge, he was not fazed by a 2-hour drive to meet me. After just a few emails, he was very enthusiastic:

Hi Blue Eyes:

The more we email, the better I feel, and the more I like you. I really am glad we connected. I have been very fortunate that my gut feelings have been very true to me in my life. There was something in my gut that says you are very different than most people.

The distance between us doesn’t bother me. What is important is the time we would spend together, and the quality is not dependent on the quantity. It’s the little things, a call at night to wish the other a good night, an e-mail saying ” I miss you”, sneaking a hug, and a kiss, that is more fulfilling than sitting at opposite ends of the couch for 2 hours watching a movie.

I come home on November 24, have no plans on the 25th, Sunday, and then I am home until the 18th of January, no travel. I have 20+ days vacation and I have to burn it by the end of January, or I lose it. Hope we can meet and spend some time together.

I got a little scared off by this email, especially the 20+ days of vacation he needed to use up. He had said in a previous email that he was looking forward to spending week-ends in Pittsburgh. Since at the time I was juggling a few different men (I had been married for 20 years and wasn’t rushing onto anything) I was afraid having him camped out in Pittsburgh would cramp my style.

I emailed “Ohio Exec” that I was dating other men, and before he comes down we needed to talk on the phone. The tone of his next email was decidedly cooler. He told me he personally was too busy to date more than one woman at a time. The emails soon dried up.

I tried to reel him back in:

Are you still planning on coming down to Pittsburgh on Saturday December 1? If so I need to make plans to be free to spend some time with you.

I know you are traveling and its been hard to keep in touch lately. Please feel free to call me any time on Monday November 26. If I do not pick up, please leave a message – I will call you back.

Looking forward to your return to the USA and talking to you!

Blue Eyes
tel: 412-XXX-XXXX

But it was useless. He never emailed me back. I had lost him.

Why? We hadn’t met or even talked on the phone at that point so it wasn’t reasonable that I be exclusively dating him. Has this happened to you? Things appear to be moving right along and then the other person disappears?

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