Pittsburgh Internet Dating Stories

Susan is a Love Goddess-In-Training – a hopeless romantic with a feisty, feminist edge who aspires to be more than a “Take a Tylenol and Wonder Why the Hell Dating Hasn’t Improved in 20 Years” kind of woman. She likes her alone time and herself, but darned if she doesn’t keep jumping into the murky waters of online dating, speed dating, and blind dates. We didn’t say she was smart. You can find her adventures on One-Woman Show – one woman’s tales of juggling life, laundry and love. Susan agreed to let me reprint her findings on the Pittsburgh on-line dating scene:

——–

Well, I knew I couldn’t avoid this question forever — you know, seeing that February is the month of LOVE (and Black History month, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, the Oscars, my car registration renewal, tax preparation time…). But it’s only fair that I tell you what happened after dazzling you and the millions who read my stories of excitement and chemistry here on my blog.

(Hey, those of you who really read the last several Love Goddess posts, just keep quiet, ‘kay?)

Here’s my topline summary of Susan’s Online Dating Experiment: Part Something-Something

Key Finding: One Woman’s Science is Another Woman’s Hell

In my opinion, Chemistry.com was definitely better than e-Harmony in providing me with more matches more often — and with fewer painstaking questions. But after 6-7 weeks of pretty much zip in results I decided I preferred a site where I could see who was out there, have an opportunity to interact with more people – on my terms – and leave the matchy-match decisions to moi, not some “scientific screening process”. After all, I know what I want and like — I’m a an analytical, scientific kind of gal!

Sure, sometimes I breeze through recipes and mistake the little (t)easpoon for a (T)ablespoon, and I singed my eyebrows lighting the barbeque that one time, and I never took Chemistry or Physics, but I’m very qualified.

Where was I?

Key Finding: People You Treat with Respect and Kindness Will Respond in Kind…Most of the Time

I signed off of Chemistry and signed onto Match.com for a month. What was another $35 in the pursuit of love? Even Dr. Phil was on board.

I received several winks and emails on Match, and I emailed a few guys myself. I responded back to every email and most of the winks I received. Maybe it’s stupid – unnecessary and a time waster – maybe it’s sweet as some guys wrote to me, but it’s always been my policy to respond back. I figure if someone took the time to contact me in a tactful and respectful manner the least I can do is to send a polite, kind “I’m flattered, but no thanks.” Besides, I type fast. And I did.

For the most part everyone was gracious, although a guy occasionally would get confused: What’s wrong? Why don’t you think we’re a match? Is it the way I look? Or the one guy who USED CAPITAL LETTERS AND WROTE THAT HE LIKED TO LAUGH A LOT AND MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AND HE WAS REALLY FUNNY LOL!!!! He told me I’d owe him $35 if I didn’t go out with him – HA, HA. I had no desire to go out with a cap-locked madman, but emailed him my standard “thanks but no thanks, best of luck.” His response: “OH, WELL, YOUR LOSS!!!”, which I imagined was meant to be read aloud with a maniacal laugh.

Note that he wrote me about a week later with a new pick-up line, apparently forgetting he had already been rejected. Delete. (LOL!!!)

And then there was the other guy — the one I had gone out with after this summer’s speed dating event. He emailed me, not recognizing me from before. I sent him a nice reminder that we’d already met and had gone out. (Unspoken words: we didn’t click, dude.) His response:

“Yes, now I remember you. Sorry I didn’t make the connection. Are your pictures recent? If so, you look like you’ve lost some weight. You look good in your pictures.
I hope you are well. Good luck.”

Mmmm. Apparently I made a larger impression in person. (Interestingly enough, one of the photos I posted was taken one week after I met him, and the other 2+ months after our date. And I weigh exactly the same as I did then.)

Key Finding: You Got to Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em

A month later, I had had dates with two nice, respectable men I didn’t click with, and I had been in communication, sort of, with a 33 year-old who liked to text me every 5 days with insightful, relationship-building comments like “how r u?” (After re-reviewing his profile, I also saw that I had overlooked the part about him living with roommates. Oops.)

I decided I had had enough — enough of men, emails, and online dating. I accepted online dating was a great way to connect with people I probably wouldn’t meet otherwise, but it wasn’t destined to be my ticket to happiness. I even commented as much on Terry Hernon MacDonald’s great Dating Advice (Almost Daily) blog and her post about Your Internet Profile.

I gave out a nondescript personal email address to 2 guys I had been emailing (and, yes, even Roomie) and signed off, this time for good.

Key Finding: It’s Smart to Listen to Terry (and Oprah, Buddha and Others)

A funny thing happened when I signed off of online dating. I exchanged an email or two with each guy at my home email. I already knew I didn’t have much interest in the one so, despite my “email in kind” policy, I let it peter out. Roomie texted me “hey” one day. That was it. I deleted it. I had my LASIK procedure and was lackadaisical about pretty much everything…except I finally talked by phone with my other match. We had a pleasant conversation, and a few days later he asked me to lunch.

We were surprised when we met. Really surprised. It turns out we had similar outlooks on life, relationships, family, etc. and liked each other. We clicked and I guess you could say we’ve been clicking ever since.

I’ve read and heard many times that if you ask the universe for what you want, it will give it to you. I also believe you have to take chances in life, risks and all. (See my refrigerator magnet: Leap and the Net will Appear.) I don’t know if the universe had a hand in this, or if meeting him was plain dumb luck, but right now we’re enjoying getting to know each other. It’s early, very early so I can’t say much more, but I will say I’ve been happily distracted. I may have even changed my opinion about online dating.

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An executive at a big company in Ohio emailed me. He traveled all over the world with his job and, unlike local Pittsburgh guys who didn’t think I was worth the gas money to cross a bridge, he was not fazed by a 2-hour drive to meet me. After just a few emails, he was very enthusiastic:

Hi Blue Eyes:

The more we email, the better I feel, and the more I like you. I really am glad we connected. I have been very fortunate that my gut feelings have been very true to me in my life. There was something in my gut that says you are very different than most people.

The distance between us doesn’t bother me. What is important is the time we would spend together, and the quality is not dependent on the quantity. It’s the little things, a call at night to wish the other a good night, an e-mail saying ” I miss you”, sneaking a hug, and a kiss, that is more fulfilling than sitting at opposite ends of the couch for 2 hours watching a movie.

I come home on November 24, have no plans on the 25th, Sunday, and then I am home until the 18th of January, no travel. I have 20+ days vacation and I have to burn it by the end of January, or I lose it. Hope we can meet and spend some time together.

I got a little scared off by this email, especially the 20+ days of vacation he needed to use up. He had said in a previous email that he was looking forward to spending week-ends in Pittsburgh. Since at the time I was juggling a few different men (I had been married for 20 years and wasn’t rushing onto anything) I was afraid having him camped out in Pittsburgh would cramp my style.

I emailed “Ohio Exec” that I was dating other men, and before he comes down we needed to talk on the phone. The tone of his next email was decidedly cooler. He told me he personally was too busy to date more than one woman at a time. The emails soon dried up.

I tried to reel him back in:

Are you still planning on coming down to Pittsburgh on Saturday December 1? If so I need to make plans to be free to spend some time with you.

I know you are traveling and its been hard to keep in touch lately. Please feel free to call me any time on Monday November 26. If I do not pick up, please leave a message – I will call you back.

Looking forward to your return to the USA and talking to you!

Blue Eyes
tel: 412-XXX-XXXX

But it was useless. He never emailed me back. I had lost him.

Why? We hadn’t met or even talked on the phone at that point so it wasn’t reasonable that I be exclusively dating him. Has this happened to you? Things appear to be moving right along and then the other person disappears?

8 Comments »

I asked “Charming,” the 50 year-old woman who I quoted in Know any Unavailable, Dishonest, Self-Centered Men in Pittsburgh for CHARMING? to expand on the experiences that lead to this statement: “If you’re young enough to be my son I’ve been enjoying all those brave winks and e-mails. Keep em coming! Growl.”

Here’s her reply:

Been on Match a month and a half. In the first 2 weeks I had 5 winks from young men under 35.

Amused — I winked back.

Three brave souls went as far to follow up with e-mail, which I unfortunately deleted. Basically, they said something very similar:
“You’re really hot. (news 2 me!) Do you go for younger men?”

My reply to each:
“Well, Bad BOY I will never shoot a MAN for trying, and I’m flattered, but flattery will not get you anywhere in my case. Thanks anyway, but you are WAY too young for me!!! Better luck elsewhere.”

Only one die-hard 25-year-old wrote back after that:
“Do you like bad boys? I don’t have any problem with our age difference. Why should you? Age is just a number.”

That’s when I had answered:
“Give me your mother’s number so I can tell her what you’re up to”

No reply.

LOL

Having learned, now I just ignore them.

I’m still very intrigued by the younger guy – older woman thing. Are young women just too much work? Are they afraid of marriage o and children and a women well past menopause is appealing? Are older women perceived as being more desperate an thus easier? I just don’t get it. Any ideas?

Any men out there who date older women who could help me figure this out?

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“Foxy” is an athletic 53-year-old divorced Fox Chapel mom who looks 35. Her online dating profile states she is seeking a 50 – 60 year old match.

“Doctor38″ (39-year-old man – Pittsburgh, PA – Seeks women 30-55) contacted her. She emailed him “Thank you for the interest, but I don’t want to date younger men.”

He sent the following reply:

Good for you, stick with the old dudes who have custody of their kids on the weekends and whose exwifes are still hanging around, making things uncomfortable for you, not to mention those teenage kids he’s got who don’t even like their own mother and are going to find it rather hard to deal with daddy’s new girlfriend who is taking up all of his free time.

And well, the holidays, well, they will tend to be awkward, mostly because his kids will hate you, and don’t forget those family vacations, with his kids, you know the ones, they are the little angels who will be staring daggers at you, while you sip you pina colada at the poolside restaurant at lunchtime, wondering how you ever thought it was a good idea to bring children on what he had told you was going to be a very romantic and fun beach vacation.

Oh and lets not forget the lack of sex drive he possesses, mostly because he’s been playing golf all day and then trying to satiate his own guilt as a father by telling the little monsters all about the next fun group hug you’ll all be going on

Yeah, I guess a doctor, with no kids, 5 weeks of vacation a year, who cooks and likes to openly express his feeling to the woman he adores, and is still interested in a passionate and physical relationship, sounds like a bad idea………..good for you, your mom did a good job……..

Foxy told me, “I am so mad at this a_ _ hole. I’m going to ream him a new one. But, what could I expect from some liberal, never been married doctor?”

What should Foxy do? How would you reply to him? Send in your suggestions (anonymously) by clicking on “comment” below.

10 Comments »

PittProf is fussy about spelling errors (see How Honest Should You Be?) while Treefrog warns about weeding out the psychos (see Dating Strategies – What Works?) From a story that PittProf shared with me, it appears that he can’t see the forest for the trees (or can’t see the psychos for the apostrophes).

Sophie caught PittProf’s bespectacled eye with one paragraph in her profile:

favorite hot spots:
I would take you for a long drive along the Mon to trespass abandoned steel
mills, discover outrageous biker bars, & and explore other cultural
treasures. My favorite hot movie – Secretary.

Sophie was also scholarly – she did research for a Pittsburgh company on the sociology of dating. And she could spell. She sounded interesting and different, and they went on several dates, and things started to heat up. But then PittProf (AKA “Charles”) began to have second thoughts, and he put on the brakes some. The emails below tell the story from there.

From: Sophie
Date: Sunday, November 12, 2006 2:42 PM
To: Charles
Subject: Touching Base

Charles -
I don’t think we are a good match after all.
The best of luck in your search!
Sophie
———-
From: Charles
Date: Sunday, November 12, 2006 2:51 PM
To: Sophie
Subject: RE: Touching Base

This time I get to ask: what makes you say that?
(I’m not planning to argue about it; just curious)
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Sunday, November 12, 2006 3:06 PM
To: Charles
Subject: RE: Touching Base

Ahh – this is a tough one, but here we go. For one, I somehow had the feeling that something changed since the last time we met – perhaps because you met someone you are more interested in. Then – I noticed that you showed a somewhat limited interest in me – as a person, by, for example, not asking more questions about my background etc. Three – a bit of a lack of generosity – it would have been nice to be treated to a soup, rather than asking me to chip in, given that your income is probably much higher than mine.

Hope this is not too blunt – but I am usually very straightforward, especially when people ask.

It really was very nice to have met you – and I am not angry or anything like that. I just honestly think we may not be a good match.

All the best,
Sophie

Back to my paper.

Charles let a couple days pass before responding

From: Charles
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 3:14 PM
To: Sophie
Subject: thoughts

I still like you and I think I’d enjoy staying in touch via email, e.g. I could send you Pittsburgh political news, if you want, and perhaps you could keep me up-to-date on your dating research ?

How’s the paper?
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 4:05 PM
To: Charles
Subject: RE: thoughts

PAPER IS STILL NOT DONE – HAVEN’T HAD A MELTDOWN LIKE THIS SINCE MY LAST GRANT SUBMISSION BUT AM DETERMINED TO GET IT OUT BY 12:30PM TOMORROW. MAJOR TORTURE. DO STAY IN TOUCH –!
———-
From: Charles
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 4:22 PM
To: Sophie
Subject: paper

Good luck with the paper
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 4:24 PM
To: Charles
Subject: RE: paper

What about our relationship?
———-
From: Charles
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 4:36 PM
To: Sophie
Subject: RE: paper

Well, it’s over — the romantic part, anyway — as far as I’m
concerned.

We can be friends and keep in touch, as I suggested, however.
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 5:10 PM
To: Charles
Subject: RE: paper

Fuck you!
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 5:14 PM
To: Charles
Subject: RE: paper

Please do not contact me again.
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 5:27 PM
To: Charles
Subject: RE: paper

Do not contact me again please!!!!
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 6:46 PM
To: Charles
Subject: FW: You are a jerk!
>From: Sophie
>Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 5:29 PM
>To: Sophie
>Subject: You are a jerk!
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 6:55 PM
To: Charles
Subject: RE: You are a jerk!

Please do not contact me again!!!
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 7:00 PM
To: Charles
Subject: FW: You are a jerk!
>From: Sophie
>Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 6:52 PM
>To: Sophie
>Subject: RE: You are a jerk!

Really – do not ever contact me again.
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 7:01 PM
To: Sophie; Charles
Subject: RE: You are a jerk!
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 7:04 PM
To: Charles
Subject: RE: paper
Importance: High
Do not contact me again please!!!!
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 7:13 PM
To: Charles
Subject: You are out – please delete from your e-mail list
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 7:32 PM
To: Charles
Subject: RE: You are out – please delete from your e-mail list

Do not contact me again please!!!!
———-
From: Sophie
Date: Tuesday, November 14, 2006 7:50 PM
To: Charles
Subject: fuck you

For two days, the emails stopped. Then Charles got one more.

From: Sophie
Date: Thu, November 16, 2006 6:57 PM
To: Charles
Subject: My deepest apologies!!!

Charles -

I am feeling horribly ashamed – sorry, sorry, sorry!!! Terrible day working on the paper and other things gong on.

You’re behavior throughout all of this was great – I think our decision was right and I am certain that you will end up finding someone who is good for you.

Please – do accept my apologies.

Sophie

Charles never emailed her after that, lest the floodgates open again. Not even to point out that she’d misspelled “your”.

I wonder how her paper came out.

1 Comment »

A group of us have been debating the best way to decline an indication of interest online. How honest should you be? As an example, PITTPROF shared this exchange he had with TEACHER.

SHE WINKED AT YOU!

51-year-old woman
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
seeking men 51-53

[notable excerpts below; read carefully ]

my job:
I am a Family and Consumer Science Teacher (Home Econominc).

favorite hot spots:
Enjoy the zoo, (animal lover), minature golf and long walks.

last read:
“Life Expentancy“, mostly read education journals.

And below is their email exchange.

PitProf’s comments:
I suppose it would be unwise for me to point out the four spelling errors in her last two emails to me?
What does this say about me? (I’m a jerk?)
What does this say about her?

Am I doing a service or a disservice to humanity (i.e. the woman’s students) when a teacher “winks” me and I inform her that she has spelling errors in her profile?

PitProf:
Subject: got your wink
Thanks for your interest, but good spelling is important to me, so it seems that we’re not a match.
Good luck.

Teacher51:
Sorry, but I sometimes make mistakes. It’s part of being human.

PitProf:
Yes. I don’t really know why, but details like that are important to me. Good luck.

Teacher51:
Being a teacher correct spelling and grammer are very important to me. But I do not look down on those who make mistakes. Mistakes are how one learns. Just because I made a mistake it does not mean I am not well educated. I happen to have three degrees and I am very well educated.

Teacher51:
Just want to inform you that I corrected my spelling errors.
Also, I do not tolerate men treating me like I am a dumb blonde. I become very defensive when a man tries to intimidate me with his inteligence. I will go into my psycholgist mode and fight back. A battle of inteligence is one area in which I am highly capable of winning and I generally do win.

What do you think? Is Teacher51 overreacting or is PittProf being a jerk?

4 Comments »

Internet Dating can make for some interesting email exchanges. Here’s one I had that I had to abort – but I must say UNIQUE was persistent – and he had a mission.

—————

Hi BlueEyes,
very nice photos; i would be surprised if your figure did not match your pretty face;
~Unique

Unique
I think I have a cute figure too, although i must tell you that my first Match date (and my first date in 22 years) was kind enough to suggest that if i had the money I might consider breast implants. If you like slim women, chances are they won’t be really big up front unless they have had some help, and since I run and work out, that’s not something I’m seriously considering.
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
you sound just fine ; do you have a chat program? and you listed your butt as your best feature; why is that so?
~Unique

Unique
I won the “Best Butt” award my first year in college. No chat – I am way too slow at typing. I am not afraid of a telephone call though. And I’ll talk or meet and have coffee with anyone – its getting the second date that hard.
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
i see; are you a steelers fan?
~Unique

Unique
not really a Steelers fan
~BlueEyes

Hi BlueEyes
i may have to seduce you into being a steeler fan…..correct me if i am wrong, but a nice butt usually has nice legs; is that so? oh, also, are you a fake nail or acryllic nail person? I think natural nail, with no polish or clear polish is very sexy.
~Unique

Unique
Now we may be in real trouble – I am a real nail person but have terrible nails. I am a nail biter. If this is a deal breaker i don’t mind – rather find out now that later. It was either this or the photos of my dog I was about to send you.
~BlueEyes

(note: see Love Me Love My Dog – this was Unique’s Profile)

BlueEyes
let me ask you this, i have an erotic side to me; how would hat appeal to you….do your nails look as if you bite them?
~Unique

Unique
yup – they look terrible. If you have a thing for nails I am not your girl!
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
that is ok, better than acryllic stuff; so do you have nice legs with that nice butt, and what about my erotic side; would that appeal to you?
~Unique

Unique
I would hope you have an erotic side – but is this a nice way of saying you want something sexual right away? What are your expectations with all of this?
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
no, not a nice way of saying that right away…
~Unique

Unique
then what do you mean about having an erotic side – i hope we all do unless we are already dead…. isn’t that why we want to date rather than just have a bunch of friends? You are good with words – you can help me out here….
~BlueEyes

hi BlueEyes
that is true; erotica can be misconstrued as sexual passion and desire; that is just the basics of it; it entails fantasies, actually done or thought of and shared to see if two people are compatible in that area..
~Unique

Unique
So you like sexual fantasies. With me it wouldn’t happen right away. Flirting is easy, but acting on the flirtations is not something I would do right away.
Always better to be very clear about these things… most of life is managing expectations…
you can drop out of this conversation at any time.
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
i am not dropping out; do you want me too? do you ever smoke when social drinking?
~Unique

Unique
yes – but I try not too. Alcohol is a depressant, and nicotine s a stimulant, so if I drink too much I feel like smoking. So I try not to drink too much. 2-3 drinks is really my limit.
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
were you referring to pot too?
~Unique

Unique
When you say something I make the mistake of taking the most innocent meaning. Last time I smoked pot was in college many years ago. I don’t love it – it makes me feel “away” and I prefer to be feel “here.”
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
would you be open to doing it again? I have had it a time and like it
~Unique

Unique
I am open to almost anything – but I don’t want to start smoking pot regularly. Do you do this drill with all your match dates? I feel like you have about 15 test questions for me. It would be more efficient just to type them up and ask me all at once!
I see you enjoy the chase and I am of a much more practical nature. Spit it all out and I will either say yes or no and you can move on….
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
oh,, it would not be regular at all; i find you sexy. So you would be open to almost anything; does that include sexual?
~Unique

—————

I ended the email then. Although “Unique” did email back a few more times, I never responded. I do abuse my fingernails – something a guy with a thing for fingernails could never have tolerated, so I thought it best to cut it off then, before we got into his fantasies.

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A lot of older men I’ve talked to have been emailed by very young and beautiful women (according to the pictures) with very bad English spelling and grammar skills who are looking for a kind gentleman they can trust. Some of the more curious have emailed back to see when the request for money would come. But few have had as direct a request as ADVENTUROUS, who sent me this exchange:

In her web personal, she wrote:

I am an attractive 30 year old female searching for a well
to do gentleman. Age unimportant, however must be able to
provide me with a picture. Must be honest and discreet.

I am 5’4″, 119 lbs., long light brown hair, green eyes. A
picure is available upon request. Write me and we’ll talk…..

So I did.

—-

From: ADVENTUROUS302
Subject: honest

Hi. You sound intriguing from what little you’ve said. Could you tell
me more about yourself and send a photo? thanks

From: WANTYOU999
Subject: money

I am going to be honest with you. I am looking for money.

From: ADVENTUROUS302
Subject: re: money

You want to fleece some guy and split?
Or you want to marry into money, or what?

From: WANTYOU999
Subject: re: re: money

Look, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t like being on here doing this. I am a single mother of a little girl. I am a normal down to earth woman with a normal job. But at the moment, I need money, and I have no choice but to do what I gotta do to get it. You might think that that is terrible, but I have a kid to take care of and I don’t have any choice. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore.

—-

It then dawned on me why discretion and money were so important to her

A professional, you think, or a first-timer?

I never heard from her again.

We never did business.

—-

~ ADVENTUROUS

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Sometimes you meet really sweet people online that you know won’t work for you, but you wish them well. Such is “Country Boy” from Grove city.

He says his perfect match doesn’t have to be perfect as long as she loves him for who he is and not what he might have. She will always be honest with him even if it hurts sometimes and he will always be honest with her. He would never try to change her or take away things she loves and she will do the same for him.

CB feels that these things “make up the essence of true love and devotion”, and frankly, so do I. CB emailed me, and I emailed him back saying we were not a good match, but I sincerely wished him well, and he sent me this story, “straight from my heart to yours” about his feelings about online dating.

I see myself stranded on an island somewhere out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean barely staying alive. I write notes and seal them in bottles and toss them into the sea. I have to watch out for the sharks they want to eat me alive. Once in a long while I see a bottle floating back to me. I rush to it with great expectations hoping to end my captivity on this lonely island. I find that it is a small bottle with a few crumbs in it enough so I can survive a few more days. So I write another note, place it in the bottle and toss it back out to sea.

S.O.S. Is there anybody out there?

Is this your experience of Internet dating?

No comments »