Pittsburgh Internet Dating Stories

Valentine’s Day is Coming – and I want to run AWAY

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I  came across this doing research for a client…  a family therapist and marriage counselor. I loved the last paragraph.  (This is from www.barbaradeangelis.com)

HOW SOON AFTER GETTING DIVORCED SHOULD SOMEONE START DATING AGAIN? HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE READY TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP?

It all depends on circumstances surrounding your divorce. The more wounded, angry or victimized you feel about your break up, the longer you need to wait before even thinking of getting involved again. If your relationship ended very badly or suddenly, you will need more time than if the break up was mutual and long overdue. If you have children, you will probably need more time to stabilize the family than if you and your mate didn’t have kids. If there was infidelity, you will definitely need a longer healing period than if the marriage ended amicably. Understanding the four stages of recovery mentioned earlier in this section will also help you identify where you are in your post-relationship process, and therefore, when you’re ready to get involved again.

A few important cautions: Don’t jump into a new relationship just to fill up the emptiness and avoid facing your pain. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your former partner was the problem, and now that you’re done with him or her, all you need to do is find someone else. (Remember–you chose that person…Find out why before you choose someone else. And after reading through these advice sections, I’m sure you know that I am going to tell you that you need to do some deep emotional work on both understanding and healing your past, as well as getting clear on how to avoid making mistakes in the future.

Now, it’s possible that in spite of everything I’ve said, the Universe will suddenly deliver a wonderful new partner into your life very soon after your break up, and in the midst of your healing process. Please–if you find yourself falling in love with a wonderful person who is committed to his growth and supportive of yours, who acknowledges your need to heal, and who is everything you’ve ever wanted, don’t say “Could you come back in about nine months?” Grab on to him, and thank God for bringing you someone to keep you company during your recovery, and even aid you in the process. Love is a gift and has it’s own sense of cosmic timing that is often unfathomable.

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Marriage On and Off the Rocks

A friend of mine, Chris Posti, is publishing a book, Marriage On and Off the Rocks. This book contains 24 true stories of men and women who have gone through difficult times in their marriage – some have been able to keep their marriages together and others have not.

I was interviewed for the book and was pleased to find that my story made the cut – under a fictitious name of course (you won’t find BlueEyes1962 in the book!)

Chris says, “It is my hope is that these true stories will serve as a mirror, showing the reader what he or she needs to do to have a successful marriage or a successful life after a divorce, whether or not they decide to remarry.”

My story is an old and familiar one, which is probably why it is included. I married the wrong man for the wrong reason, then tried desperately to make it work for 20 years, even while it floundered on the rocks. Freedom came when I finally abandoned ship.  I am now dating a wonderful man, but I doubt I would have looked at him twice 25 years ago. Then, I wanted someone who would “save” me and take care of me – now I know the only person who can do that it me.

Because I am freed from needing a protector/provider/alpha male I can have an equal relationship with a real man.  It’s so wonderful – I have never had this before. When I was younger I was looking at utility (Will he be a good Dad? Will I be able to stay home and raise me own kids? Will he keep me safe?) and never thought of the price I might have to pay for these things. Now I don’t want anything from a man except to really know him and love him, and be known and loved back.

Chris takes real stories such as mine, presents them in our own words, and asks questions to make you think. I  encourage you to check out Chris’s book (for sale Aug 10) and her blog: http://www.marriageonandofftherocks.com/

PS. May I make another plug for a dear friend of Chris’?  Bernice Boyden, through her company, Success Matters Coaching & Consulting,   coaches people through transitions in their lives – job changes and personal changes, including divorce.  Her business is young, and the website is still under construction, but you can find it at http://www.successmatterscc.com

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Dear Friends in Mt Lebanon and the South Hills:
Do you know any women who are recently divorced and who could use a little camaraderie over the holidays?  I’d like to start a very informal little group to meet for coffee (or wine or beer) a few evenings before the holidays.

The dates I picked out of the blue are:
• Friday Nov 21, 7:00 – 9:00 PM and
• either Friday Dec 12 or Dec 19.

Please think about who you know who might be missing their “family” and could use the company of other women going through the same thing.  I had a hard time last Christmas, and really feel for anyone who is going through this.  I could use some support but also want to reach out to other women in the same situation who I don;’t know who might enjoy a sympathetic ear .

Could I ask you if you would be so kind as to send this link to your friends (those happily married, like many of you, might know someone who is not).

Please feel free to have anyone call or email me with questions.  We would meet at my home in Mt. Lebanon. I can be reached at connellyp@mac.com

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My older brother, who dated steadily from the age of 18 until he married finally at 44, sent me this video. Helen Fisher asked herself why we crave love so much, even to the point that we would die for it?

One thing she concludes is that our brain systems are designed to keep the human race going, not to make us happy. Since we feel lust for many people, romantic love is a brain system designed to focus our attention on one person. Focusing on one person allows us to settle down and have children with them.

The third brain system is long-term attachment, which is designed to keep us together long enough to raise our children.

But I don’t say it nearly as well as Helen:

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Jay Speyerer, of Legacy Road Communications (www.legacyroad.net),  has been a speaker and an educator for nearly 30 years, successfully helping people achieve their goals in memoir writing, business communication, cross-cultural issues, and presentation skills.  He has this advice to offer those looking for love online:

“I love laughing in the rain while riding my Harley on the beach in my tuxedo and jeans. I don’t like listening to any kind of music except rap while I’m curled up on the couch watching a DVD and reading the New York Times and National Review. I want live my past, present, and future lives to the fullest with my soul mate.”

There’s a lot of that kind of piffle on Match.com from otherwise literate and intelligent people. Of course, there are a lot of illiterate and unintelligent folks on there too, but that’s not you or you wouldn’t be reading Blue Eyes’ blog.

I think I know what the problem is: people are doing their homework but they’re accepting the wrong kind of examples. Here’s what to do: look at the profiles of your competition to see what they’re writing. See what phrases pop up again and again, and then don’t use them.

Why? Because they’re clichés. You enjoy fine dining? Wow, so do I! You don’t want someone with baggage? Wow, neither do I. You want to live life to the fullest? Wow, so do– Wait a minute. What does that mean?

Be clear. Avoid writing something just because someone else did. Maybe I’m dense, but I just don’t know what “living life to the fullest” means. I’m sure it means something to the people writing it, but it bears further explanation. Parasailing? Bungee jumping? Riding your horse? Time with family and friends? Provide examples.

Be yourself. Many of us get advice from our friends. That’s okay, but don’t copy what they write and sacrifice your originality, your uniqueness. This might be hard to believe, but people actually steal other people’s profiles. They lack imagination, so they appropriate another profile. I once talked to a woman whose profile was stolen by a man. And he was straight.

Be specific. Don’t just tell us you like to travel, tell us where you want to go. Don’t just say you like music, tell us who you like. Don’t just say you like to read. Tell us author and genre. Things like that are important to your reader because it gives them a more complete picture of you.

Be honest. I’m a professional writer, and because of that, many women have said I intimidate them. Good to know. Better I find it out now rather than later. Don’t write something that isn’t you and don’t show something that isn’t you any more. Use a current picture. It might be interesting to see what you looked like in high school, but if you’re 50, give us a current look as well.

Some people complain about pictures of pets, but pet pics are okay in my book. I’m an animal person myself and I use a shot of my pets. One shot. But photos of humans should vastly outnumber those of your four-legged or winged housemates.

And finally… Girls, more pictures of you and fewer travel pictures where you’re so small we can’t see you. Guys, put your shirt on and lose the ball cap.

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When I first started on Match.com, an online dating veteran told me that it was useless to wink or email men (“if they’ve seen your photo and haven’t made the first move they are not interested”), so at the beginning I didn’t and just waited for men to make the first move.

Taking the exact opposite tactic is CUTIE, a very attractive Pittsburgh woman in her late-30′s, who gets over 1,000 winks or emails a week from men. She searches actively to find men that meet her criteria and winks at potential dates. If they email back, she immediately sets up a meeting. Because she is so attractive and accomplished – she’s a very successful professional – she will sometimes have 4 “coffees” a day and up to 20 a week until she finds the right guy.

Tactics will be strongly related to goals. Since I had no goal other than to explore dating again after 22 years, and was not looking for a something serious, my laissez-faire attitude was probably appropriate. CUTIE’s approaching finding “Mr. Right” very aggressively – She has a biological clock ticking.

Pittsburgh Women: What have you have found works for you? Any tips to share with other women who are also exploring online dating?

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I told you about ZZUG, who was looking for a woman between the ages of 42 and 46, and how that caught my eye. When we got together I asked him about the impossibly thin slice of all the potential women out there that he had targeted. I thought he was a little crazy, but what he said made some sense. ZZUG was 44, already had 3 children, and wasn’t interested in having more. He didn’t want to date women in their 30′s because they might still want to have children. He figured that a 42-year old woman who was up on Match.com had probably come to terms with her clicking biological clock and had resigned herself to the number of children she presently had.

ZZUG had dated a 48-year old woman, and it had not turned out well, so he figured that was too old. Thus he came up with the magic 4 years of age acceptability.

It should be obvious form this conversation that he was in either the Engineering or I.T. field. (It’s I.T.) Most people don’t think this way.

However, something can be said for logic and rationality, even though I don’t always trust it. Take the opposite example – a man the same age, recently divorced, with the same number of children, who is pretty sure he doesn’t want more. This man, let’s call him Bill, decided that he wanted to date younger women, in their 30′s who didn’t have children.

Bill told me he did not want to deal with some other guy’s kids, and did not want a woman burdened with family obligations, but he did not think that a young woman in her 30′s might want marriage and children.

Bill’s been dumped a few times, and he has since learned that if you want a casual relationship with a woman, don’t pick one racing against time limits. ZZUG was definitely ahead of the curve with this one.

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It’s always fun to see what people choose as their screen names when they decide to try internet dating. One of my favorites is “sweetpoontang” (I’m not making this up), a 32 year old woman from Kennerdell, Pennsylvania.

I had an interesting encounter with “French Stud.” He winked at me and I emailed him back:

Not sure about the “French Stud” part – I hope it was tongue in cheek. But curious enough to email you back.

You could be interesting!

He emailed me back:

Hi,
No the frenchstud no just like you said, one thing my English is not that sharp (after 20 yrs) what is tongue cheek?
If you want you can get me as frenchstud on yahoo messenger, I know I know here again the stud part LOL.
And I am very interesting, LOL

Well – what can I say – I had to meet him for a drink. The “what is tongue cheek?” won me completely over.

We met at the Sonoma Grille in downtown Pittsburgh, and had a very nice time. He was a true gentleman, and was not impressed with the women he had met through Match.com.

He told me had canceled his membership because he had met 8 women, and they had all been “what would you say, white trash” – women who would have “laid down with him” the same night he met them. He was not interested.

Now I did have the heart to tell him this, but if you choose “French Stud” as your screen name, you will attract a certain type of woman. Just like women who post provocative photos or call themselves “sweetpoontang” will attract a certain type of man. If that’s what you are looking for – great – but if it’s not, you can’t blame the people who respond to you for having misunderstood.

Companies spend tens of housands of dollars coming up with a brand name for their products. Your screen name is your “brand name” – think of your target market and choose appropriately.

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I had been told by an online dating veteran not to bother emailing men – if they hadn’t already winked or emailed me, chances were they were not interested based on my photo and it was a waste of time. It made sense to me (guys are very visual) and so when I got the weekly “Your Matches” email from Match.com I would glance at it but did nothing with the suggested matches.

The email contains 12 short profiles in a row, starting with the highest percentage match and ending with the least. One week, the very last profile, just about to fall off the page, was the following:

zzug

44, Cranberry Township, PA
81% match
6’5″ (195.0cm),
Seeks: Women 42-46

He is currently separated
His faith is Spiritual but not religious
He probably will not want to have kids

I glanced, and then went back and read it again. “Seeks: Women 42-46.” My experience is that most men have a very wide age range – it is not uncommon to a 50-year old man open to dating women between 35 to 55, or even harder on the female ego, between 35 and 49, and I had never seen such a narrow range before. I was within his age range, and I was intrigued so I clicked on the portrait.

Here it went from bad to worse:

I spend the weekends with my Kids, 7 and 8, (and my 20 year old when he is not working), about 4 hours away in Toronto (Mississauga), a nice drive for a weekend getaway.

Its hard to imagine working in Pittsburgh during the week and spending weekends in Toronto, makes it hard to have a relationship let alone start one online! I guess it will be a special someone who can put up with my schedule and hopefully we would be the richer for it.

Now I was really interested, but in a friendly, feeling-sorry-for-the-man sort of way. This man seemed nice, but his situation was impossible – who would date a guy who was gone on the week-end? Plus who knew how long he’d be around – he was Canadian, down here on a temporary “L-1″ visa. I laughed, and shot him my first ever match email. I don’t have a copy of it, but he says I made it very clear in the email I was being friendly and wanted nothing more.

Much to my surprise, after we emailed for a bit, and then met for a drink (a pity date on my part), I ended up really liking him, and we dated for a short time, and then became just “very good friends” (more about this in another post). But while we were dating I would tease him about his impossible profile. He would laugh and say, “It worked, didn’t it? It’s called target marketing.” and I could not disagree.

One thing I learned in Marketing 101 was that if you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one. How many profile have you read that say, “I like to do anything my date wants to do.” It’s generic and boring. The more specific you are, the more color and flavor you give to your profile. The “Seeks: Women 42-46″ is what caught my eye to click and read further.

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