Valentine’s Day is Coming – and I want to run AWAY

“He might as well have announced to them that he was having sex” she fumed. “Teenage kids don’t want to think of their parents doing ‘it’. And now what about all my lectures about not having sex outside of marriage? They are hardly going to listen to them anymore knowing their father is sleeping around!”

I tried to calm Beth down, and gently reminded her that she was dating and was hardly celibate herself.

“But I’m not telling the world that.” she said, “and I am certainly not telling my children!”

Beth was actually glad Fred had had the medical procedure. He had been dating a lot of younger women, and her fear had been that he would remarry and start another family, and then forget about his older children. She had 4 years of double college tuition ahead, and had been counting on his help – if he remarried and had a baby and day care to pay for, he might have a harder time swinging it.

But what about the effects of this on her kids?

She went back and had a heart-to-heart with them, and found they were not nearly as upset as she had been. In fact, they were glad they would never be competing with younger siblings for his attention and resources. As for the fact that he was having intimate relations ouside of marriage, her daughter just rolled her eyes. “Mom, it’s not like we didn’t already know that! Dad hardly kept it a secret.”

Then she looked at Beth and said, “Now if I found out you were having sex, that would be so gross. I just can’t imagine it, and it would really bother me. But Dad? I would expect it.”

So it turns out there is still a double standard (at least in Beth’s daughter’s eyes) about sex. I know men who would be secretly proud to find out that their sons were getting some, but really upset if their daughter were.

Is this your experience, or is this just among a few people in the Mt Lebanon Catholic School crowd?

It’s a relief to think that today is Jan 1, 2008 – the New Year has been rung in – and life will return to semi-normalcy tomorrow. Since Stan, my soon-to-be-ex husband of 20 years moved out almost exactly a year ago , life has been everything but “normal.” But I’m hoping it will settle down this year.

It’s been even more strange these last 2 weeks as I hosted my ex-in-laws in my house for the holidays, had my 2 oldest home from college (this morning I had to step over about 15 bodies sprawled about the house – they both had sleep-over parties for New Year’s Eve) and had more frequent, sometimes very emotional, contact with Stan.

I had this fantasy that if I couldn’t have the perfect marriage, at least I could have the perfectly friendly and conflict-free divorce. But that fantasy was shattered Christmas morning when I turned into a raving lunatic in front of Stan, my kids and their grandparents.

I had planned the Christmas activities with Stan, and he had mentioned that his new girlfriend had wanted to see him either Christmas Eve or Christmas day. He asked me when I thought it would be least disruptive to the family. I suggested early afternoon Christmas day – after we opened the gifts (a long drawn out process because we do them one at a time and everyone has to see and comment on every single gift) – and before the big Christmas turkey we had planned for the evening.

On Christmas morning, my daughter and I got up early to go to church, and on the way home she mentioned that Stan would not be home for dinner. This was the first I heard of it. When we got home, everyone was waiting for us in the living room. I had to know if this was true so I went straight for Stan.

“When did you want to eat dinner?” I asked, “I need to figure out went to put the turkey in the oven.”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” Stan replied, “You know I’m not going to be here.”

I insisted this was news to me, Stan insisted he had told me earlier, and that I should have known his girlfriend would want more than a few hours in the afternoon with him. I got shrill. He dug in. The kids quickly ran out of the room and out of earshot. Stan’s Dad tried to calm me down, telling me this was just a misunderstanding and that I was upsetting the kids. I wouldn’t hear it. I got shriller. Then I started crying. Stan’s mother got up to hug me and started crying too. I asked her if she would take a walk with me, and we left the house.

I returned 15 minutes later calmed down and feeling ashamed.

We had Chinese food delivered that evening.

The rest of the holidays were uneventful except for one more incident. Stan was taking his girlfriend, his parents and the children out to dinner and to see “The Nutcracker” in the Cultrual District. He asked me if I would drive the family to Franco’s where they were all meeting.

I said I could not, I was going out that night too. Stan asked if I could drive them before I went out – I said I might be going out in the afternoon and didn’t want to have to work my schedule around chauffeuring people to an event I had not been invited to. He said I he didn’t understand how I could be busy all afternoon and evening and couldn’t find an hour to help the family out. I said it was his problem and not mine.

There was no melt-down this time, but Stan and I had this conversation in front of the kids and his parents. My daughter later told me we had both acted with the emotional maturity of 12-year olds – which had surprised me. I thought I was being calm and firm. She also told me that if the reason Stan and I were getting together for family events was for the benefit of her and her brothers, then we were defeating the purpose if all we did was bicker once we were together. I was once again chastised.

If this bickering were a regular occurrence, we would have given up on “family time” long ago. Overall, our separation has been remarkably peaceful. (For background see “Helping her Ex Improve his Match Profile“) The holidays brought up a lot of unpleasant emotions. But this has made me re-evaluate our relationship.

As much as I have wanted to believe that despite getting divorced, nothing has really changed for my family, I’m finally starting to see that it’s just not realistic. Stan and I both love our children very much, but if we could get along so well, I doubt we would be divorcing in the first place. And as much as the kids want everything to stay the same – it just can’t. I’ve been a little thick about realizing this.

When I told a friend about these incidents, he lent me the book “Mom’s House, Dad’s House” by Isolina Ricci. The book is very clear about maintaining a healthy “businesslike” relationship with your children’s other parent. I think Stan and I need cleaner boundaries. It’s something I am going to work on in 2008.

This is especially important now that both Stan and I are dating again.

All I can say is that I’m learning…

And now to all my girlfriends who have been telling me for the last year that I have to get more emotionally detached from Stan – thanks for not saying “I told you so” even though some of you (you know who you are) did anyway.

Happy New Year!

When Gary still lived with us, we paid our teenagers to clean – which meant the house was usually filthy and the kids never had any money. But as soon as he moved out, I hired a cleaning lady. I really like Peggy – she is an astute business woman and has raised 3 girls on the proceeds of her business, and is now putting all 3 through college. I work out of my home, so often we’ll have a coffee together when one of us needs a break, and we’ve become good friends.

When I came home with my shopping bags, I had to show Peggy what I bought, and also how I found out from Gail Gross, the owner of the Pussycat in Squirrel Hill, that a local match “gentleman” had told other women besides me to get cosmetic surgery. Peggy asked if the guy’s real name was “Mike.” It wasn’t, but she told me her story.

Turns out Peggy had a similar experience after only a month of dating Mike. He started pressuring her, and offered to pay for half the cost of implants, and she liked him and wanted to please him so she went ahead with it. They moved in together for a few years, but it didn’t work out; he was very controlling and she couldn’t do enough to keep him happy.

Peggy is a very pretty lady in her early 40′s and has a beautiful figure, and she didn’t regret her decision to have the work done. She started telling me all the benefits, and encouraged me to do it while I was still separated and the money was coming out of joint funds. I was skeptical – didn’t fake boobs feel funny? She said she couldn’t sleep on her stomach anymore, and it hurt in the beginning but it felt just fine now. But I persisted, I meant didn’t they feel funny to your partner? She said no and took of her shirt so I could feel for myself.

I tried a little squeeze. It felt a bit like a water balloon. But I really had nothing to compare it to, having limited experience with other women’s breasts.

Peggy said she hadn’t had any complaints. But she was still a little ticked off with Mike. When they split up and divided their joint assets, he had deducted the entire cost of her operation from what he owed her. I thought that was rude – he had agreed to pay half.

But Peggy is a practical woman, and she said it didn’t really bother her, “Frankly, I didn’t want him still owning one of my breasts anyway. And I certainly didn’t want him coming back, demanding the right to see it. At least now I know they are all mine.”

Sue really likes her in-laws. When she was a young mother, struggling with 3 children under the age of 4 and a difficult marriage, she looked to her mother-in-law, Mary, for help. She and Stan’s father, Patrick, seemed to really love each other still, after almost 40 years of marriage, and she asked her what their secret was. Sue was having difficulty after only 6 years. Mary told me she was happy now, but that the first 30 years had been “pure hell.”

What had kept Mary in her marriage was her Catholic faith and time: eventually the children grew up, the money was less tight, there was less stress, and she and Patrick had time for each other. They finally worked on their relationship and sorted their differences out. They were now very happy, but it had not been an easy path.

Sue thought of Mary many times over the next 14 years, as she worked hard to make my marriage work, but it was like beating her head against a brick wall, and eventually she got tired of it. She decided she didn’t have the patience for 30 years of “pure hell” – 20 years had been enough. Stan agreed to a separation last fall, and they decided he would move out after the holidays. They didn’t want to ruins the kids’ Christmas.

As they have every year since Sue and Stan moved to Pittsburgh, last Christmas the in-laws came for 10 days to spend the holidays with them. They didn’t want to ruin the grandparent’s Christmas either, so they hadn’t told them about the upcoming divorce. But Mary noticed a difference in the mood of the house, and pulled Sue aside to ask me how things were going.

“You and Stan both seem so much happier and more relaxed,” she said. “I think things are really going better for you.” She had her theories why this might be – Stan’s new job, Sue’s new business, the kids getting older, etc., and Sue wasn’t about to tell her the truth – she left that to Stan.

Stan told them in the airport just before they disappeared behind security.

When Sue talked to them on the phone a week later, they reassured her that she would always be family – she was the mother of their grandchildren and would always be their daughter too. Mary was especially supportive, telling Sue that Stan would be lost without her, and that it was too bad he so so “thick” and couldn’t see what he had. (For the record, Stan seems to be doing just fine and is not lost at all – in fact he starting dating within weeks of moving out. It took Sue over a year and me almost 9 months to even think about dating)

Unlike a lot of divorcing couples, Stan and Sue kept most of their family traditions. They spent 2 weeks on the Jersey shore at a big family reunion this June with Stan’s brothers and sister, the grandparents and cousins. So when Sue thought about their Christmas traditions, she decided to invite Mary and Patrick back this year – to stay in her house with Sue and the kids. The children live with Sue full-time – Stan moved into a small bachelor pad at the WaterWorks which isn’t big enough for more than one child at a time.

This is Sue’s first Christmas as a single mom and she tells me that somehow it’s not feeling that much different from last year. She’s spending nights drinking wine talking to her in-laws, making them coffee in the morning, and making sure they feel comfortable. The kids are running in and out with their friends and they’ve had a lot of parties and sleep overs. So it feels like old times.

Except maybe a few hours Sue spent this afternoon in the company of “Jimmy” – under the guise of getting groceries for the big holiday dinners coming up. Sue tells me it’s hard enough to juggle dating with the kids – now she have the ex and the ex-in-laws to worry about as well. But she’d rather have a house full of family and ex-relatives than be alone for the holidays, and somehow Sue is lucky enough to be getting the best of both worlds right now.

Don’t know if I could do this!

Merry Christmas!

Sue has an especially amicable relationship with her ex, Stan. They talk several times a week on the phone, and he comes to the house Monday evenings. When they were married, Monday evenings were family game days – they’d eat dinner together as a family, and then play a round of Scrabble or a card game.

When they separated this January, they decided to keep the tradition. Although the kids go to his bachelor pad one at a time on the week-ends (it’s only got 2 bedrooms and they have 3 kids) during the week most of his time with the kids is spent in the family home, which is now Sue’s house.

This works for them and they claim it is the least disruptive option for the kids, all teenagers. But this strikes me and many of their dates as very weird. Sue tells me that men who have an equally friendly relationship with their ex-wives are fine with it – even relieved that they found someone who will not be jealous when they spend time with their kids and ex together. But guys with bitter divorces can’t understand – Sue has seen had men get very disturbed when she explains their arrangement, tell her they are not comfortable with this at all. Many of Sue’s friends think Stan is taking advantage of Sue, and that she is being too accommodating.

Stan is much more strategic than Sue – he would never reveal this at a first coffee. He dated a woman without children in her mid 30′s and he didn’t tell her that family time in Upper St. Clair with the kids often also included the (soon-to-be-ex) wife. But after 4 months the issue did come up and caused problems and suspicions, and then she found out he is separated and not divorced as advertised. Now Stan finds himself back on Match.com again.

Which is how Sue offered to help her Ex improve his Match.com profile. He’s back up and hasn’t been getting the response he hoped for, and asked Sue for advice. Sue first suggested going for women his own age – but he did not like that idea. Then she said that nicer photos would help. He asked her if she could take some next time he was over, and Sue said yes. I thought she was crazy and I asked her why she would do this.

Sue said, “I’m good with a camera, and an expert at Photoshop, so why not? Stan’s adjusted his schedule to stay with the children for the week-end several times when I wanted to get away. It’s been in both our best interests, and the kids, to get along.”

I think, after a year of separation, their lives are way too tangled still. Sue thinks she knows what she is doing. She wonders why such a friendly relationship with an ex raises suspicions with potential dates.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?