Pittsburgh Internet Dating Stories

This is weird and wonderful and the same time. My Mom is getting married  in December, just one year after my Dad, and her husband of 52 years, died.  I  guess I should be glad that she is reading love letters and emails instead the obituary column but it’s still a little strange. Mom, an iron lady who raised 7 children born within 9 years, was a farmer’s wife and a strict mother, has turned into a giddy love-sick teenager. It’s a facet of her I have never witnessed.  She makes me feel old.

I’m dating too, after my divorce, but I’m a lot more cautious. She feels time passing, and wants to grab the time she has left. She says that her years with Dad and raising us were her life’s meal – solid and fulfilling, but this romance is her dessert – the sweet end, the reward.

The part that’s a little embarrassing is when she talk about her desire – how she can’t wait to get married so she can have a “full relationship” with Geert.  They are both so old they can’t drive at night, so when they visit late, they have to sleep at each others houses.  Mom says she can’t wait to sleep in his room instead of the guest room.  In fact, this is the reason they are getting married – so they can have sex. (They are both good Catholics, and there is no point throwing that away this late in the game.)

I tell this story to all my friends in their 50′s who wonder if they are “too old” to date. I know my Mom was not out looking, but love found her, and now she’s not old at all – she’s a young girl agian.  It is weird and wonderful.

No comments »

My Dad had been in decline, but he died rather suddenly of a heart attach right before Christmas last year at the age of 83.  He and my mother had been married for over 50 years.  They raised us on a chicken farm outside of Guelph, Ontario, and had retired 20 years ago.  With the chickens gone and their 7 kids all independent and mostly out of the house (my youngest brother lingered on, living in the basement), Mom often told me that those years were the best of their marriage. They reveled in their freedom to travel (something you can’t do when farm animals need tending) and in their mobile home traveled all over the US.

A month after my Dad died, my mother met a semi-retired Dutch Canadian farmer at her sister’s 70th birthday party. They talked for all of 15 minutes, but something clicked.

Since retirement, my parents had spent a good portion of the cold Canadian winters with my oldest sister California, and Mom was leaving soon after the party to be there for 2 months. Mom and “Geert” exchanged email addresses.

When I visited Mom and my sister in California at the end of March, their relationship was blooming. Each morning, Mom would rush over to her computer and login before breakfast.  She reminded me of a giggling school girl as she read Geert’s messages and relayed them to us.

“He says as soon as I get back to Canada, I should call him and he’ll rush right over!”

It was cute and a little disconcerting at the same time.  At the very least, it gave me some perspective into my own teenages, who had to get used to me dating again.

No comments »

Dear Friends in Mt Lebanon and the South Hills:
Do you know any women who are recently divorced and who could use a little camaraderie over the holidays?  I’d like to start a very informal little group to meet for coffee (or wine or beer) a few evenings before the holidays.

The dates I picked out of the blue are:
• Friday Nov 21, 7:00 – 9:00 PM and
• either Friday Dec 12 or Dec 19.

Please think about who you know who might be missing their “family” and could use the company of other women going through the same thing.  I had a hard time last Christmas, and really feel for anyone who is going through this.  I could use some support but also want to reach out to other women in the same situation who I don;’t know who might enjoy a sympathetic ear .

Could I ask you if you would be so kind as to send this link to your friends (those happily married, like many of you, might know someone who is not).

Please feel free to have anyone call or email me with questions.  We would meet at my home in Mt. Lebanon. I can be reached at connellyp@mac.com

No comments »

I got a knock on my door an hour ago and it was my new neighbors, Pete and Margaret. I had slipped an invitation for a “Leap Day Adult Neighborhood Mixer” under their door earlier today. They moved in before Christmas, and I had tried many times to introduce myself to them then – running over in the cold with the same plate of home-baked pecan shortbread cookies (drizzled in chocolate) about a half a dozen times before I gave up and ate the cookies myself.

Some of the neighborhood ladies thought it would be a good idea to have an adult mixer – that is, invite the men too – to supplement our weekly “Ladies’ Respite Hours” and I volunteered to host. Something about the Leap Year and Feb 29 captured my imagination, and I sent out a little invitation with a photo of someone leaping and the quote “Leap and the Net Will Appear” (this has been my motto for the last week – thanks Susan!)

Anyway, Pete and Margaret had dropped by to tell me they couldn’t come to the party, but they wanted to say thank you for the invitation. I herded them in out of the snow so I could hear their story. I had heard parts of it from neighbors and now wanted it from the horse’s mouth.

Pete (New Jersey, 50′s, divorced, 3 children in college and high school) and met Margaret (Mt Lebanon, 40′s, divorced, 2 children in middle school) through eHarmony.com on Sept 11, 2008. They emailed each other for about 10 days before Pete drove 7 hours from New Jersey to meet Margaret. A month later they had bought the beautiful stone house next door and were married. It was quick but they were both sure, and they were now enjoying getting to know each other better.

This was Margaret’s first attempt at online dating, but Pete had tried some of the other sites, and he hadn’t liked them. He enjoyed the guided email conversations of eHarmony, and felt that by the time he met Margaret he really knew her.

Pete told me that it was only after he met Margaret that he realized that he had never been in love before, and of course that made me really like him.

I am an hopeless romantic and I love happy endings.

Pete and Margaret – welcome to the neighborhood – we wish you all the best!

No comments »

Susan is a Love Goddess-In-Training – a hopeless romantic with a feisty, feminist edge who aspires to be more than a “Take a Tylenol and Wonder Why the Hell Dating Hasn’t Improved in 20 Years” kind of woman. She likes her alone time and herself, but darned if she doesn’t keep jumping into the murky waters of online dating, speed dating, and blind dates. We didn’t say she was smart. You can find her adventures on One-Woman Show – one woman’s tales of juggling life, laundry and love. Susan agreed to let me reprint her findings on the Pittsburgh on-line dating scene:

——–

Well, I knew I couldn’t avoid this question forever — you know, seeing that February is the month of LOVE (and Black History month, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, the Oscars, my car registration renewal, tax preparation time…). But it’s only fair that I tell you what happened after dazzling you and the millions who read my stories of excitement and chemistry here on my blog.

(Hey, those of you who really read the last several Love Goddess posts, just keep quiet, ‘kay?)

Here’s my topline summary of Susan’s Online Dating Experiment: Part Something-Something

Key Finding: One Woman’s Science is Another Woman’s Hell

In my opinion, Chemistry.com was definitely better than e-Harmony in providing me with more matches more often — and with fewer painstaking questions. But after 6-7 weeks of pretty much zip in results I decided I preferred a site where I could see who was out there, have an opportunity to interact with more people – on my terms – and leave the matchy-match decisions to moi, not some “scientific screening process”. After all, I know what I want and like — I’m a an analytical, scientific kind of gal!

Sure, sometimes I breeze through recipes and mistake the little (t)easpoon for a (T)ablespoon, and I singed my eyebrows lighting the barbeque that one time, and I never took Chemistry or Physics, but I’m very qualified.

Where was I?

Key Finding: People You Treat with Respect and Kindness Will Respond in Kind…Most of the Time

I signed off of Chemistry and signed onto Match.com for a month. What was another $35 in the pursuit of love? Even Dr. Phil was on board.

I received several winks and emails on Match, and I emailed a few guys myself. I responded back to every email and most of the winks I received. Maybe it’s stupid – unnecessary and a time waster – maybe it’s sweet as some guys wrote to me, but it’s always been my policy to respond back. I figure if someone took the time to contact me in a tactful and respectful manner the least I can do is to send a polite, kind “I’m flattered, but no thanks.” Besides, I type fast. And I did.

For the most part everyone was gracious, although a guy occasionally would get confused: What’s wrong? Why don’t you think we’re a match? Is it the way I look? Or the one guy who USED CAPITAL LETTERS AND WROTE THAT HE LIKED TO LAUGH A LOT AND MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AND HE WAS REALLY FUNNY LOL!!!! He told me I’d owe him $35 if I didn’t go out with him – HA, HA. I had no desire to go out with a cap-locked madman, but emailed him my standard “thanks but no thanks, best of luck.” His response: “OH, WELL, YOUR LOSS!!!”, which I imagined was meant to be read aloud with a maniacal laugh.

Note that he wrote me about a week later with a new pick-up line, apparently forgetting he had already been rejected. Delete. (LOL!!!)

And then there was the other guy — the one I had gone out with after this summer’s speed dating event. He emailed me, not recognizing me from before. I sent him a nice reminder that we’d already met and had gone out. (Unspoken words: we didn’t click, dude.) His response:

“Yes, now I remember you. Sorry I didn’t make the connection. Are your pictures recent? If so, you look like you’ve lost some weight. You look good in your pictures.
I hope you are well. Good luck.”

Mmmm. Apparently I made a larger impression in person. (Interestingly enough, one of the photos I posted was taken one week after I met him, and the other 2+ months after our date. And I weigh exactly the same as I did then.)

Key Finding: You Got to Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em

A month later, I had had dates with two nice, respectable men I didn’t click with, and I had been in communication, sort of, with a 33 year-old who liked to text me every 5 days with insightful, relationship-building comments like “how r u?” (After re-reviewing his profile, I also saw that I had overlooked the part about him living with roommates. Oops.)

I decided I had had enough — enough of men, emails, and online dating. I accepted online dating was a great way to connect with people I probably wouldn’t meet otherwise, but it wasn’t destined to be my ticket to happiness. I even commented as much on Terry Hernon MacDonald’s great Dating Advice (Almost Daily) blog and her post about Your Internet Profile.

I gave out a nondescript personal email address to 2 guys I had been emailing (and, yes, even Roomie) and signed off, this time for good.

Key Finding: It’s Smart to Listen to Terry (and Oprah, Buddha and Others)

A funny thing happened when I signed off of online dating. I exchanged an email or two with each guy at my home email. I already knew I didn’t have much interest in the one so, despite my “email in kind” policy, I let it peter out. Roomie texted me “hey” one day. That was it. I deleted it. I had my LASIK procedure and was lackadaisical about pretty much everything…except I finally talked by phone with my other match. We had a pleasant conversation, and a few days later he asked me to lunch.

We were surprised when we met. Really surprised. It turns out we had similar outlooks on life, relationships, family, etc. and liked each other. We clicked and I guess you could say we’ve been clicking ever since.

I’ve read and heard many times that if you ask the universe for what you want, it will give it to you. I also believe you have to take chances in life, risks and all. (See my refrigerator magnet: Leap and the Net will Appear.) I don’t know if the universe had a hand in this, or if meeting him was plain dumb luck, but right now we’re enjoying getting to know each other. It’s early, very early so I can’t say much more, but I will say I’ve been happily distracted. I may have even changed my opinion about online dating.

No comments »

Happy endings do happen. Here’s a message from a 40-year old woman in Ohio who found love on Match.com:

Match provides an almost infinite pool of men that I would have never met…both good and bad. I have learned that to find love I had to be patient, a risk taker, have faith and be open to love.

I fell for a man who when he made mistakes knew how to say he was sorry. He is not perfect but was vulnerable enough to let me see that he wasn’t perfect. He genuinely loved children, which was my first on the criteria list and knows how to treat me like the lady I am…far beyond the first few dates.

He was tenacious and when we had problems, he cared enough to try to remedy them. He was honest about his job, marital status, income, interests and most importantly honest about what he wanted in a woman and in a relationship (so many of you have unrealistic expectations) He wasn’t pushy in any sense and let me take my time in the relationship.

Those of you who are interested in match as a site to solicit sex (and you are out there), I believe there are other sites that would be more conducive to your needs…just my opinion, but I don’t think Match.com markets itself in that direction.

This site as many of you have found can enhance the ego when you are down, boost the self-esteem when needed but ultimately must be the crutch that must be let go.

I was a personal trainer, and I always said that I have done my job when my clients no longer needed me and sometimes it was my job to let them know just that.

To all of you that have been honest and gentlemanly, I say thanks to you for making my dating and entry back into the single life a rewarding experience. I have made a few good friendships from this site from dates that weren’t love matches but enticing enough to provide something else very important: friendship. You are the reason that I refer Match.com to friends who are looking for love or something as simple as a platform or launching pad back into the dating world.

It is always prudent to be careful when using this site because much like the traditional dating scene, there are unscrupulous people.

To those of you who have lied about everything from age, weight, marital status and job to children… shame on you. You will never find what you are looking for if you are not honest, and as many of you have already found out, the truth does eventually surface…I promise you it does.

My advice to those of you that aren’t honest is this: Match.com is growing by leaps and bounds and dating online no longer ensures your anonymity even when you don’t provide a picture if you are telling even 1/2 the truth. Everyone seems to want to take a look at match.com, and it is no longer taboo to do so.

Online dating is making its way into the acceptable world of mainstream dating. I met some grandmothers that have used this site…amazing! I could write a very interesting book on my experiences and those that my friends have shared.

For those of you who were bothered by the fact that I didn’t work while a full-time grad student raising three children, maybe I’ll publish the book, get rich and be on Dr. Phil. He and I have a match connection.

To the love seekers, learn to ask very pointed questions up front and don’t be timid or embarrassed about finding out what you need from someone. This is an excellent forum to do so.

I have friends and loved ones that have used this site to further enhance their lives, some of which have ended in marriage.

To my friends and those hopeful about love. Take care and have some faith.

1 Comment »