Pittsburgh Internet Dating Stories

About a month ago I got an email from a good friend with the subject line “Karen sent you photos on Tagged ”

I clicked and got: “Karen W**** sent you photos on Tagged.  Want to see the Photos?” and two big buttons “Yes” and “No.”  Then it added “Please respond or Karen might think you said no. ”

I didn’t want Karen to think I said no, so I clicked yes.

This took me to the Tagged site, where I had to fill out sceeen after screen before I could see the photos.  I got as far as uploading a photo, and then realized I was being sucked into something I didn’t want to do, and I quit.

Soon my in-box was filling up with messages from “Tagged”:

Jay R sent you a message…
Henry Z winked at you…
Chris F clicked YES on you….
John S added you as friend….
Bruce R commented on your photos….

I ignored them, but decided to check one out today.  I read the message first (one long paragraph – I broke it up into sections for your benefit and deleted whole sections):

how are you? my name is john. i live south of pittsburgh in a town call canonsburg.i came back last year from iraq. my unit got deploy in jan.21,05 till june 21,06. i am retired now as of nov 19,2006 22 years from the military. i work for coca cola.there i work alot of hours but i could make some kind of arrangement to met with the right on.

i read your profile. you sound like a very beautiful lady and a beautiful lady like yourself deserves a beautiful poem.Just as a wave is lifted by the shore, Then breaks across the slowly rising sand, So as I watch you weep my feelings pour Across the wash of what I understand. I wish I could just take you in my arms And all your pain could melt into my chest, And all the violence of passing storms Could pass through me and finally come to rest. No words can set things right or presence lend A miracle to light your darkened way, But there is solace in a loving friend And comfort in what I don’t have to say. Whatever circumstance you cannot bear, Just turn to me, and you will find me there.

well i hope you like it. it goes with a beautiful lady. i hope i hear from you. at least let me know something not just delete me. i am a very nice guy once you get to know me. here is my e-mail address,home phone number and cell cokeman***@hotmail,com,724-745-**** and 724-766-****

Well – with an intro like that I HAD to read his profile.

Here is John S’s “About Me, which I read while blasted with very sappy love songs from the website (My daughter MADE me turn my sound off after a few minutes):

I like to treat a lady like a woman, best friend and lover not a queen. I want to be wanted and loved as I long to want & love the one and only woman in my life. I want to be in a relationship where if one is weak the other supports and we both become a force of one.

I want the lady who gets ready for bed at night, takes a shower and instead of wearing something feminine, sneaks into one of my dress shirts with just one button – buttoned. I want the lady that throws that button away in the morning (since it will most definitely fly off sometime that night) and not sew it back on like a good little lady..

I want the smell of my cologne and have that be the last thing she smell as I leave the house not the hour old coffee. I want to wake her up in the morning, have coffee on the deck,her curled up in my lap, and watch the sun come up.

I want her to greet me when i come home after a long day wearing something feminine I did not wear to bed, and greet me with a hug and kiss.

I emailed this to my boyfriend Luris (match.com Sept 2008)  and he wrote back:

My favorite line:  “I want her to greet me when I come home after a  long day wearing something feminine I did not wear to bed, and greet me with a hug and kiss.”

I want that too, sweety.  When i come home after a long day wearing something feminine I didn’t wear to bed…  wait… when I come home I want YOU to wear something feminine I didn’t wear to bed… no wait… I want YOU to be wearing something feminine that YOU didn’t… no… I’m so confused.  Let me put on my bra and panties and think this out properly.

I couldn’t leave well enough alone and had to check out the rest of p John’s site. After viewing his 239 friends (http://www.tagged.com/friends.html?uid=5379831889#filterpg=All_0)- I came upon this appeal in size 18, deep red font, all caps.  (The bold I added myself):

PYSICAL ATTRACTION WHAT IS IT? IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A PERSON THATS GOING TO TREAT YOU RIGHT. THATS GOOD. BUT IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR  PERSON THATS LOOKS ARE INPORTANT AND DON’T SPEND TIME WITH YOU THAT WRONG. SPEND THE TIME WITH THE PERSON AND DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT THERE ISN’T NO GOOD MEN BECUSE THERE ARE LOTS OF US OUT THERE. LIKE US FOR WHO WE ARE NOT FOR WHAT WE LOOK LIKE OR WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU. SPEND TIME WITH US BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN

LOOKING FOR A BEAUTIFUL AND SEXY WOMAN THATS WANTS TO BE TREATED LIKE A REAL WOMAN PLEASE APPLY

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Just what goes on Sundays at your place?
If I meet a hot guy…here’s the average Sunday…morning sex…coffee…sex…shopping…dinner with the family…see a movie…wine…night sex. But that’s sunday, not everyday can be sex 3x’s a day, just sundays…well okay saturday’s too!

Job: medical/dental
Which virtues give you most of your self confidence?
The fact that I could write a prescription that would render you unconscious. (Just Kidding)

If you could ‘Do Lunch’ with anyone, who would it be?
That’s an easy one, Osama Bin Laden. That way when he wasn’t looking I could put a triple dose of anthrax in his food and that terrorist moron would ‘drop dead’!!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I think if I could change something about myself it would be to never have did so much LSD in the 60s, no, wait I was born in the 70s-nevermind….

Someone may want to say “hello”, but not know how to get the ball rolling.
WELL, THEY COULD ALWAYS COMMENT ON MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR, MY BEAUTIFUL BROWN EYES, MY FLAWLESS SKIN, MY BODY BEAUTIFUL…

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An acquaintance found this profile on plentyoffish.com, which seems to be the free, wild west of online dating:

im a highly agressive, whip-smart hot shot sex pot 27 year old female armchair philosapher who is seeking like minds for enligtenment, conversation and tasteful sexual innuendoes. eventually if you make the cut you move up the food chain and in my pants. i enjoy guys who can quote movies in a split-second witty way, fix stuff around the house and understand the dewy decimal system, among other things. do you think you can keep up? im a fast-talking fast-typing free mind who grows weary of the status quo each day. on a methadone program so if that scares you don’t bother, someone beet you to the punch of likking me and then scaring off because of that. please i want semi-intellectural men who regard smart women as a advantage. that im into sex in a bold way is a extra advantage as well. what do you like? STOP! i dont want to know until i know you better. also no acronim users, i hate lazy spellers…id love to have a sexual tryst but no 1) pseudo-intellecturals from small canadien perovinces who think there all creative and cool but are actually suffering from mid-life crisis 2) no fowl “hey lemme cum in yr face” leetters and 3) no ***holes who are just in it for anal. thank you. especially first one. i hate men who play it off to get a nice sexed up fantasy and then turn chickenshit! hey im in the mist of moving into my dream home and out of my rathole shitty crack-infested slum…i love these letters, but i apologize for not resonding… my life is in a tailspin and i must be practicing the eigfhtfold path more than ever and cannot be distracted

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Real lines from Pittsburgh area online dating profiles:

When I read what men are looking for I’m amazed at how close I fit their wish lists.

I learned at a very young age that I was a terrible liar when I tried to convince my mom that someone else peed in my pants.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot…I’m hot.

Feed me carbs and I’ll be happy. Touch my feet just right and I will stalk u

I’m not changing my life, I’m kicking it to the curb and getting a better one.

im a clean freek i like a clean house a nice yard clean car truck im vary clean person and i hope to fine someone almost like me.

If you think I’m going to be your sugar mama and support your sorry ass b/c you think I get a chunk of change for child support NEED NOT APPLY…GET A JOB.

Men, if you are not over your ex’s and and they are still pestering you, please move on. Life is way too darn short to have to deal with that crap.

NO rednecks, bubba’s or men that decorate their homes w/dead animals. NO recreational drug users, smokers, or PLAYERS!

mommas boys
pussy whipped
whore
limp wristed
metro men
wrapped around your wife’s finger
NEED NOT APPLY!!!

I see myself with a mate who is kind, sensitive and caring. A man who is not into abusing women or children.

Sexually inexperienced is OK, as long as your trainable, sexually stunted or defective is not OK, and you know who you are.

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More real quotes from online profiles of men and women in the Pittsburgh area:

About me and what I’m looking for:
I am looking for a guy with an air conditioner. Its really hot outside and very hot in my bedroom at night. I enjoy the simply things in life — cold air. Once the summer is over, I am ok with going back to being single.

About me and what I’m looking for:
i am beuatiful and thin i will do anything fun i like to listen to music i love animals im very smart. i had many boyfriends but no marriges one was close but he died in a car accident ten months ago.

About me and what I’m looking for:
I am a gay man trapped inside a womans body! Yeah, figure that one out. If we ever talk I’ll explain that.
I have been described as crazy, unique, silly, weird, you know, the usual complimentary terms for a woman (oops, I meant for a gay man). I like to think of myself as unique.

About me and what I’m looking for:
I’ve played the hand I was delt NOW I’m ready to stack the deck in my favor. The late Erma Bombec wrote” Life happens when your not looking”But boy I am looking this time-so bring it on.

About me and what I’m looking for:
I like adventure and will adapt to almost any setting. I am new here so I don’t know what to say. … I give up.

What is Your Religion?
I’m Orthodox Christian. My faith is very important to me. That said, I don’t expect anyone else to understand, so I don’t push my belief system on anyone. All those who do can suck it.

What is Your Religion?
I am a God-Fearing woman who is a practicing Catholic. However, I’m not happy with the actions of the Catholic Church! Plus… since I’m divorced, I’m going to HELL when I die! (ha ha ha!) WHY DOES CHURCH WINE TASTE LIKE MAD-DOG?!?!

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Here are some women’s words (taken from different online dating profiles) about their bodies and thoughts on “what is sexy?” that caught the eye of ADVENTUROUS:

Describe your personality and physique.
34-24-36

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Of course every woman says there figure I guess my chest.

Describe your personality and physique.
I’m curvy. I’m totally addicted to working out. I have very nice boobs and nice plump butt but I also have a waistline.

What do you find “SEXY” in a partner?
I am a ass woman. I love also a hairy chest I would have to say there chest.

What do you find “SEXY” in a partner?
I love to watch a man walk away that has a cute butt– what can I say, I’m a butt girl.

What do you find “SEXY” in a partner?
Muscles are ok as long as they are not buldging! YUCK!

What do you find “SEXY” in a partner?
no colored hair please! keep the pierced nipples or scrotum…i might take to an ear piercing but that’s about it.

What do you find “SEXY” in a partner?
I only do not have caress and love, I wait for prince on a white horse and hen I shall give all caress and fire love.

my ethnicity:
Pretty Italian, Polish, desent, shoulder length blonde hair, nice legs, butt and breasts.

favorite things:
I love to suck on great big lollypops. They just feel like so much fun on my tongue.

favorite things:
tight butts.

About Me:
Wild and crazy gal looking for a wild and crazy guy. Enjoys biking, horseback riding, and outdoor sports of any kind. Needs a man who enjoys life to the fullest. Also, helps to be well hung.

What do you think?

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Are Pittsburghers Provincial? You be the judge. Here are some lines collected from Pittsburgh internet dating profiles:

What language(s) do you speak, read or write?

English, why learn any other crap when I live in my own country.

What language(s) do you speak, read or write?

I speak English, some sign language in bad traffic, Body language,
I speak it and read it.

What language(s) do you speak, read or write?

What do you think???? DUH!!!

Where were you born? List some of the places you have lived or traveled.

I’m a local, borned and raised near Pittsburgh.

Where were you born? List some of the places you have lived or traveled.

Pa
traveling…well, I’ve been to sea world

What are some of your life-long goals? Where would you like to be in 2
years? In 5 years?

in a house

favorite hot spots:

BARS ARE OK. I DO NOT DRINK BUT LIKE TO GO HAVE FUN.
IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME IF YOU DRINK BUT I DO NOT LIKE FIGHTS WHEN YOU DRINK.

What does this say about us?

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A note from CHARMING, a 50-year old woman in Pittsburgh. She says that a delightful job requirement of being a “fun-time writer and a full-time hairstylist” is to to love people from all walks, but some days tact is the ability to make them feel at home (especially when she wishes they were.)

The following is a mock testimony to the hits she’s been receiving on dating sites (which is why her intro line reads “May We Distinguish the Weeds From the Flowers”). She says she was so tempted to put this up for her fellow gal pals who have been overrun with similar weeds:

I’m actually looking for unavailable, dishonest men who hate talking about feelings, like stringing me along, and think only about themselves.

If you’re young enough to be my son I’ve been enjoying all those brave winks and e-mails. Keep em coming! Growl.

Old enough to be my grandpa is purrfect too. I hear that celibacy’s good for the soul. You can call me Sister Mary Merlot. (If you NEVER drink I bet you’re fun. )

Belong to AA? Have numerous DUI’s? Still live with mom? No job required! Toxic children a must.

Not being able to spell gives great insight into your intellectual value.

Live 1000 miles away? Get your green card here. I work for the border patrol.

No picture posted leaves much to the imagination. . . but pictures in which your hair stands up like a blown hood latch , untrimmed beards resembling Grizzly Adams , and more tattoos than Popeye — definitely makes me and the rest of us single gals hot.

Of course I love dating married men! Breaking up happy homes is my thang.

Divorced more than 3 times is a red light… special??? What the heck. We can put the word FUN in Dysfunction.

Any for REAL guy who does not get the point or does not find this humorous need not apply.

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I told you about ZZUG, who was looking for a woman between the ages of 42 and 46, and how that caught my eye. When we got together I asked him about the impossibly thin slice of all the potential women out there that he had targeted. I thought he was a little crazy, but what he said made some sense. ZZUG was 44, already had 3 children, and wasn’t interested in having more. He didn’t want to date women in their 30′s because they might still want to have children. He figured that a 42-year old woman who was up on Match.com had probably come to terms with her clicking biological clock and had resigned herself to the number of children she presently had.

ZZUG had dated a 48-year old woman, and it had not turned out well, so he figured that was too old. Thus he came up with the magic 4 years of age acceptability.

It should be obvious form this conversation that he was in either the Engineering or I.T. field. (It’s I.T.) Most people don’t think this way.

However, something can be said for logic and rationality, even though I don’t always trust it. Take the opposite example – a man the same age, recently divorced, with the same number of children, who is pretty sure he doesn’t want more. This man, let’s call him Bill, decided that he wanted to date younger women, in their 30′s who didn’t have children.

Bill told me he did not want to deal with some other guy’s kids, and did not want a woman burdened with family obligations, but he did not think that a young woman in her 30′s might want marriage and children.

Bill’s been dumped a few times, and he has since learned that if you want a casual relationship with a woman, don’t pick one racing against time limits. ZZUG was definitely ahead of the curve with this one.

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It’s always fun to see what people choose as their screen names when they decide to try internet dating. One of my favorites is “sweetpoontang” (I’m not making this up), a 32 year old woman from Kennerdell, Pennsylvania.

I had an interesting encounter with “French Stud.” He winked at me and I emailed him back:

Not sure about the “French Stud” part – I hope it was tongue in cheek. But curious enough to email you back.

You could be interesting!

He emailed me back:

Hi,
No the frenchstud no just like you said, one thing my English is not that sharp (after 20 yrs) what is tongue cheek?
If you want you can get me as frenchstud on yahoo messenger, I know I know here again the stud part LOL.
And I am very interesting, LOL

Well – what can I say – I had to meet him for a drink. The “what is tongue cheek?” won me completely over.

We met at the Sonoma Grille in downtown Pittsburgh, and had a very nice time. He was a true gentleman, and was not impressed with the women he had met through Match.com.

He told me had canceled his membership because he had met 8 women, and they had all been “what would you say, white trash” – women who would have “laid down with him” the same night he met them. He was not interested.

Now I did have the heart to tell him this, but if you choose “French Stud” as your screen name, you will attract a certain type of woman. Just like women who post provocative photos or call themselves “sweetpoontang” will attract a certain type of man. If that’s what you are looking for – great – but if it’s not, you can’t blame the people who respond to you for having misunderstood.

Companies spend tens of housands of dollars coming up with a brand name for their products. Your screen name is your “brand name” – think of your target market and choose appropriately.

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