Male Insights into Marriage, Affairs and Dating: “A relationship is like a shark – it dies if it’s not moving”
BlueEyes1962 08 Jun 2008 | : He/She Said That?
I went out with friend last night – a man who has been married almost as many years as I was, and is still married, but has strayed more than a few times.
Ben’s wife is not very physical at all, and he has strong physical needs – but he had a family and is especially committed to his 4 sons. He feels he is making the best of his situation – keeping his family intact but doing what is necessary to fulfill his needs.
His affairs remind me of my dating experiences. In both cases it’s so much easier than being married – there is no stress of managing the household, the kids, both your jobs, and balancing the workload between you, no tension as you negotiate money, power, in-laws, and chores, and no baggage from the 20 years of hurts and disappointments you’ve both accumulated. (My ex refused to acknowledge Mother’s Day when I had three kids 3 and under. I would agree to something and then change my mind and it drove him crazy)
When I told Ben the story of my friend Liz who fought with her boyfriend because he did not approve of her choice of beers and this eventually lead to their break-up, Ben laughed. “You will always find something to fight over,” he said, “If it’s not something important like whether you should spend the $5,000 on a family vacation or put it into Sammy’s college fund, it will be about something trivial like beer. But couples will always fight. It’s human nature.”
Two people will never agree on everything, so the cause of the fight is not as important as how it is resolved. One thing is certain – the disagreements when dating are gong to be a lot smaller than the ones you will have if you live together or get married.
It is exactly for this reason that many people my age (mid 40′s and above who can’t or don’t want to have any more children) are leery of living together or marriage. Why put that strain on a relationship when there is no clear benefit? We are financially independent, have our own homes, jobs, kids leaving the nest, etc. Why complicate things?
Jason, a friend from Match.com, has been married and divorced 4 times, so he knows a thing or two about it, and his advice is to avoid moving in as long as possible:
“You know how great is is to go on vacation with someone – you have no cares, no worries, just a wonderful time and great vacation sex. Dating can be like that- and if so you want to keep it like that as long as possible.”
“But a relationship is a bit like a shark – it dies if it’s not moving, and it seems like you can’t just keep it in “dating” mode even if you try – before you know it she’s moved in and you’re fighting about who takes out the trash. And then it’s on it’s way to being over.”
I did meet a man who has been dating the same woman for over 30 years – they have never lived together and they are still in love. I am going to try to get him to give me his insights, and I’ll keep you posted.