Online Dating: How Honest Should You Be When You Say “No Thanks”
Posted by BlueEyes1962 on 04 Jan 2008 at 03:21 am | Tagged as: We Never Got Past Email
A group of us have been debating the best way to decline an indication of interest online. How honest should you be? As an example, PITTPROF shared this exchange he had with TEACHER.
SHE WINKED AT YOU!
51-year-old woman
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
seeking men 51-53[notable excerpts below; read carefully ]
my job:
I am a Family and Consumer Science Teacher (Home Econominc).favorite hot spots:
Enjoy the zoo, (animal lover), minature golf and long walks.last read:
“Life Expentancy“, mostly read education journals.
And below is their email exchange.
PitProf’s comments:
I suppose it would be unwise for me to point out the four spelling errors in her last two emails to me? 
What does this say about me? (I’m a jerk?)
What does this say about her?
Am I doing a service or a disservice to humanity (i.e. the woman’s students) when a teacher “winks” me and I inform her that she has spelling errors in her profile?
PitProf:
Subject: got your wink
Thanks for your interest, but good spelling is important to me, so it seems that we’re not a match.
Good luck.Teacher51:
Sorry, but I sometimes make mistakes. It’s part of being human.PitProf:
Yes. I don’t really know why, but details like that are important to me. Good luck.Teacher51:
Being a teacher correct spelling and grammer are very important to me. But I do not look down on those who make mistakes. Mistakes are how one learns. Just because I made a mistake it does not mean I am not well educated. I happen to have three degrees and I am very well educated.
Teacher51:
Just want to inform you that I corrected my spelling errors.
Also, I do not tolerate men treating me like I am a dumb blonde. I become very defensive when a man tries to intimidate me with his inteligence. I will go into my psycholgist mode and fight back. A battle of inteligence is one area in which I am highly capable of winning and I generally do win.
What do you think? Is Teacher51 overreacting or is PittProf being a jerk?
When it’s been the woman calling it off, not me, half the time they’ll typically say something very vague like “we’re not a match; good luck”. I prefer it when they give me some reason, because then there’s more closure to it and it can resolve nagging doubts. Some of the reasons I’ve heard:
* We’re not a match because I want kids and you don’t.
* I don’t think that we are truly a match because I can be a very emotional person who wants a lot of feedback. … And your being atheist is a problem …
* Thanks … but unfortunately, we’re just not a good match. Our profiles didn’t match on: Age, Physical Attraction.
* I don’t think we’d be a good long term, romantic fit … and it seems you’re not over your divorce.
* Thanks … but unfortunately, we’re just not a good match. Our profiles didn’t match on: Values.
* Sorry, an atheist is not OK.
* Yes, your atheism would be a problem for me…I wish you well.
* Your ex-wife was very unhappy and communicated to me. I think it would be too hard for me to get past that. Sorry.
* We’re not a match because age difference is too great.
* We’re not a match because I dislike kids.
* The gap between my Greek Orthodox and your atheism is too large, but I still think you’re great and any time you feel like bashing our potato head president, feel free to email me!
* I enjoyed meeting you, but as I wasn’t feeling a “romantic vibe,” I’m going to decline your invitation to meet up again.
There are no overreactions, only reactions. Teacher51 just got defensive, and PittProf carried on the exchange longer than necessary. However, he was able to elicit some unintentional ironic humor, and for that we are all grateful.
No, really, that teach is totally defensive, and got pretty ranty for no reason. Just because someone winked at you doesn’t mean you owe them anything…even a chance. I think that’s supposed to be the liberating part of online dating. No strings attached, window shopping OK kinda thing.
I think the professor dude was sufficiently tactful, the “Yes. I don’t really know why, but details like that are important to me. Good luck.” comment said, essentially “Yeah, I’ve got this weird quirk. I don’t know what’s up with that, sorry, it’s me not you.” But then the chick was all accusatory, essentially calling him a bigot or a sexist or what have you. He didn’t really attack her level of education, but she responded with:
“I happen to have three degrees and I am very well educated.”
I think it’s a certain amount of carelessness that might be the turn off. I allow typos to slide in emails and such, but for semi-permanent stuff like a profile, you may as well take the extra 5 seconds to clean it up. You can have a Ph.D. and still be lazy.
Yes, the teacher did get very defensive. In my opinion, if you can avoid it, don’t tell the person exactly why you don’t think you are a good match with him/her because one can take that very personally-it’s pointing out a unique (or not so unique) flaw. If you’re not interested, it might be nicer to stay vague “for various reasons, I…” and most of the time the other person doesn’t write back or thanks you for responding at all. Just my 10 cents’ worth. (I’m accounting for inflation, gas prices, etc.)