Glad to hear that you are making changes in the coming year about your interactions with “Stan”.

Divorce isn’t just a business transaction, it’s not just new apartments, or even new romantice partners anymore than marriage is just a piece of paper. To fully unravel/mourn your marriage takes a lot of time and space before you can move to the peaceful place you both want.

A lot of fighting that never came up in the marriage comes up after the divorce because both parties are now free to say, and do, the things they were afraid to say while married.

As you both date and find your new selves more fully, more fighting will occur. He will move towards who and what he really is and you will do the same.

Without the boundaries and marital agreements you had in place both parties will define their lives and lifestyles in ways that don’t require the approval of the former spouse and this can lead to conflict.

While you were married you may have accepted certain of his behaviors to keep the peace, for the betterment of the family or because it just wasn’t that important.

Now that you are not together, these same behaviors can appear selfish, unreasonable or unnacceptable.

For example, driving your children and in-laws to the city isn’t really that big of a deal in the large scale of life. Helping “Stan” facilitate a cultural event while married was probably not extra work for you at all, merely a part of the marital bargain.

But driving that same short distance to drop them off for his convenience, and for them to share time with his current romantic interest now seems (and is) a much bigger inconvenience.

The time that they all spend together no longer is to your personal benefit, and therefore, you have the right to choose whether to help “Stan” build a relationship with his children, parents and girlfriend or stay out of it completely.

Don’t really know you, don’t really know Stan, but love that you are finding a voice to say “no” to requests that you find unreasonable.

Keep listening to your heart, using your mind and following up without fear.