Sue’s had quite a week. You may recall that she’s the one trying to have “the perfect divorce”and is hosting her ex-in-laws for the holidays.  But thing are stating to fall apart. She sent me this post:

It’s a relief to think that today is Jan 1, 2008 – the New Year has been rung in – and life will return to semi-normalcy tomorrow. Since Stan, my soon-to-be-ex husband of 20 years moved out almost exactly a year ago , life has been everything but “normal.” But I’m hoping it will settle down this year.

It’s been even more strange these last 2 weeks as I hosted my ex-in-laws in my house for the holidays, had my 2 oldest home from college (this morning I had to step over about 15 bodies sprawled about the house – they both had sleep-over parties for New Year’s Eve) and had more frequent, sometimes very emotional, contact with Stan.

I had this fantasy that if I couldn’t have the perfect marriage, at least I could have the perfectly friendly and conflict-free divorce. But that fantasy was shattered Christmas morning when I turned into a raving lunatic in front of Stan, my kids and their grandparents.

I had planned the Christmas activities with Stan, and he had mentioned that his new girlfriend had wanted to see him either Christmas Eve or Christmas day. He asked me when I thought it would be least disruptive to the family. I suggested early afternoon Christmas day – after we opened the gifts (a long drawn out process because we do them one at a time and everyone has to see and comment on every single gift) – and before the big Christmas turkey we had planned for the evening.

On Christmas morning, my daughter and I got up early to go to church, and on the way home she mentioned that Stan would not be home for dinner. This was the first I heard of it. When we got home, everyone was waiting for us in the living room. I had to know if this was true so I went straight for Stan.

“When did you want to eat dinner?” I asked, “I need to figure out went to put the turkey in the oven.”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” Stan replied, “You know I’m not going to be here.”

I insisted this was news to me, Stan insisted he had told me earlier, and that I should have known his girlfriend would want more than a few hours in the afternoon with him. I got shrill. He dug in. The kids quickly ran out of the room and out of earshot. Stan’s Dad tried to calm me down, telling me this was just a misunderstanding and that I was upsetting the kids. I wouldn’t hear it. I got shriller. Then I started crying. Stan’s mother got up to hug me and started crying too. I asked her if she would take a walk with me, and we left the house.

I returned 15 minutes later calmed down and feeling ashamed.

We had Chinese food delivered that evening.

The rest of the holidays were uneventful except for one more incident. Stan was taking his girlfriend, his parents and the children out to dinner and to see “The Nutcracker” in the Cultrual District. He asked me if I would drive the family to Franco’s where they were all meeting.

I said I could not, I was going out that night too. Stan asked if I could drive them before I went out – I said I might be going out in the afternoon and didn’t want to have to work my schedule around chauffeuring people to an event I had not been invited to. He said I he didn’t understand how I could be busy all afternoon and evening and couldn’t find an hour to help the family out. I said it was his problem and not mine.

There was no melt-down this time, but Stan and I had this conversation in front of the kids and his parents. My daughter later told me we had both acted with the emotional maturity of 12-year olds – which had surprised me. I thought I was being calm and firm. She also told me that if the reason Stan and I were getting together for family events was for the benefit of her and her brothers, then we were defeating the purpose if all we did was bicker once we were together. I was once again chastised.

If this bickering were a regular occurrence, we would have given up on “family time” long ago. Overall, our separation has been remarkably peaceful. (For background see “Helping her Ex Improve his Match Profile“) The holidays brought up a lot of unpleasant emotions. But this has made me re-evaluate our relationship.

As much as I have wanted to believe that despite getting divorced, nothing has really changed for my family, I’m finally starting to see that it’s just not realistic. Stan and I both love our children very much, but if we could get along so well, I doubt we would be divorcing in the first place. And as much as the kids want everything to stay the same – it just can’t. I’ve been a little thick about realizing this.

When I told a friend about these incidents, he lent me the book “Mom’s House, Dad’s House” by Isolina Ricci. The book is very clear about maintaining a healthy “businesslike” relationship with your children’s other parent. I think Stan and I need cleaner boundaries. It’s something I am going to work on in 2008.

This is especially important now that both Stan and I are dating again.

All I can say is that I’m learning…

And now to all my girlfriends who have been telling me for the last year that I have to get more emotionally detached from Stan – thanks for not saying “I told you so” even though some of you (you know who you are) did anyway.

Happy New Year!

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