Pittsburgh Internet Dating Stories

My friend Sue’s ex-in-laws from Queens NY are in Pittsburgh for the holidays, visiting their grandchildren and their son, and they are sleeping in her bed. Her Ex has the spare room. She’s got the cot in her home office for the next 10 days. But she’s happy – She’s got a house full of family again this Christmas, even if the family is a little unconventional.

Sue really likes her in-laws. When she was a young mother, struggling with 3 children under the age of 4 and a difficult marriage, she looked to her mother-in-law, Mary, for help. She and Stan’s father, Patrick, seemed to really love each other still, after almost 40 years of marriage, and she asked her what their secret was. Sue was having difficulty after only 6 years. Mary told me she was happy now, but that the first 30 years had been “pure hell.”

What had kept Mary in her marriage was her Catholic faith and time: eventually the children grew up, the money was less tight, there was less stress, and she and Patrick had time for each other. They finally worked on their relationship and sorted their differences out. They were now very happy, but it had not been an easy path.

Sue thought of Mary many times over the next 14 years, as she worked hard to make my marriage work, but it was like beating her head against a brick wall, and eventually she got tired of it. She decided she didn’t have the patience for 30 years of “pure hell” – 20 years had been enough. Stan agreed to a separation last fall, and they decided he would move out after the holidays. They didn’t want to ruins the kids’ Christmas.

As they have every year since Sue and Stan moved to Pittsburgh, last Christmas the in-laws came for 10 days to spend the holidays with them. They didn’t want to ruin the grandparent’s Christmas either, so they hadn’t told them about the upcoming divorce. But Mary noticed a difference in the mood of the house, and pulled Sue aside to ask me how things were going.

“You and Stan both seem so much happier and more relaxed,” she said. “I think things are really going better for you.” She had her theories why this might be – Stan’s new job, Sue’s new business, the kids getting older, etc., and Sue wasn’t about to tell her the truth – she left that to Stan.

Stan told them in the airport just before they disappeared behind security.

When Sue talked to them on the phone a week later, they reassured her that she would always be family – she was the mother of their grandchildren and would always be their daughter too. Mary was especially supportive, telling Sue that Stan would be lost without her, and that it was too bad he so so “thick” and couldn’t see what he had. (For the record, Stan seems to be doing just fine and is not lost at all – in fact he starting dating within weeks of moving out. It took Sue over a year and me almost 9 months to even think about dating)

Unlike a lot of divorcing couples, Stan and Sue kept most of their family traditions. They spent 2 weeks on the Jersey shore at a big family reunion this June with Stan’s brothers and sister, the grandparents and cousins. So when Sue thought about their Christmas traditions, she decided to invite Mary and Patrick back this year – to stay in her house with Sue and the kids. The children live with Sue full-time – Stan moved into a small bachelor pad at the WaterWorks which isn’t big enough for more than one child at a time.

This is Sue’s first Christmas as a single mom and she tells me that somehow it’s not feeling that much different from last year. She’s spending nights drinking wine talking to her in-laws, making them coffee in the morning, and making sure they feel comfortable. The kids are running in and out with their friends and they’ve had a lot of parties and sleep overs. So it feels like old times.

Except maybe a few hours Sue spent this afternoon in the company of “Jimmy” – under the guise of getting groceries for the big holiday dinners coming up. Sue tells me it’s hard enough to juggle dating with the kids – now she have the ex and the ex-in-laws to worry about as well. But she’d rather have a house full of family and ex-relatives than be alone for the holidays, and somehow Sue is lucky enough to be getting the best of both worlds right now.

Don’t know if I could do this!

Merry Christmas!

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