Pittsburgh Internet Dating Stories

The day I was out buying new underwear and discovered that NYIF had been telling his other match dates to get breast enlargements, it was a Monday. Which meant that while I was shopping, Peggy was cleaning up after me and the kids.

When Gary still lived with us, we paid our teenagers to clean – which meant the house was usually filthy and the kids never had any money. But as soon as he moved out, I hired a cleaning lady. I really like Peggy – she is an astute business woman and has raised 3 girls on the proceeds of her business, and is now putting all 3 through college. I work out of my home, so often we’ll have a coffee together when one of us needs a break, and we’ve become good friends.

When I came home with my shopping bags, I had to show Peggy what I bought, and also how I found out from Gail Gross, the owner of the Pussycat in Squirrel Hill, that a local match “gentleman” had told other women besides me to get cosmetic surgery. Peggy asked if the guy’s real name was “Mike.” It wasn’t, but she told me her story.

Turns out Peggy had a similar experience after only a month of dating Mike. He started pressuring her, and offered to pay for half the cost of implants, and she liked him and wanted to please him so she went ahead with it. They moved in together for a few years, but it didn’t work out; he was very controlling and she couldn’t do enough to keep him happy.

Peggy is a very pretty lady in her early 40′s and has a beautiful figure, and she didn’t regret her decision to have the work done. She started telling me all the benefits, and encouraged me to do it while I was still separated and the money was coming out of joint funds. I was skeptical – didn’t fake boobs feel funny? She said she couldn’t sleep on her stomach anymore, and it hurt in the beginning but it felt just fine now. But I persisted, I meant didn’t they feel funny to your partner? She said no and took of her shirt so I could feel for myself.

I tried a little squeeze. It felt a bit like a water balloon. But I really had nothing to compare it to, having limited experience with other women’s breasts.

Peggy said she hadn’t had any complaints. But she was still a little ticked off with Mike. When they split up and divided their joint assets, he had deducted the entire cost of her operation from what he owed her. I thought that was rude – he had agreed to pay half.

But Peggy is a practical woman, and she said it didn’t really bother her, “Frankly, I didn’t want him still owning one of my breasts anyway. And I certainly didn’t want him coming back, demanding the right to see it. At least now I know they are all mine.”

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My friend Sue’s ex-in-laws from Queens NY are in Pittsburgh for the holidays, visiting their grandchildren and their son, and they are sleeping in her bed. Her Ex has the spare room. She’s got the cot in her home office for the next 10 days. But she’s happy – She’s got a house full of family again this Christmas, even if the family is a little unconventional.

Sue really likes her in-laws. When she was a young mother, struggling with 3 children under the age of 4 and a difficult marriage, she looked to her mother-in-law, Mary, for help. She and Stan’s father, Patrick, seemed to really love each other still, after almost 40 years of marriage, and she asked her what their secret was. Sue was having difficulty after only 6 years. Mary told me she was happy now, but that the first 30 years had been “pure hell.”

What had kept Mary in her marriage was her Catholic faith and time: eventually the children grew up, the money was less tight, there was less stress, and she and Patrick had time for each other. They finally worked on their relationship and sorted their differences out. They were now very happy, but it had not been an easy path.

Sue thought of Mary many times over the next 14 years, as she worked hard to make my marriage work, but it was like beating her head against a brick wall, and eventually she got tired of it. She decided she didn’t have the patience for 30 years of “pure hell” – 20 years had been enough. Stan agreed to a separation last fall, and they decided he would move out after the holidays. They didn’t want to ruins the kids’ Christmas.

As they have every year since Sue and Stan moved to Pittsburgh, last Christmas the in-laws came for 10 days to spend the holidays with them. They didn’t want to ruin the grandparent’s Christmas either, so they hadn’t told them about the upcoming divorce. But Mary noticed a difference in the mood of the house, and pulled Sue aside to ask me how things were going.

“You and Stan both seem so much happier and more relaxed,” she said. “I think things are really going better for you.” She had her theories why this might be – Stan’s new job, Sue’s new business, the kids getting older, etc., and Sue wasn’t about to tell her the truth – she left that to Stan.

Stan told them in the airport just before they disappeared behind security.

When Sue talked to them on the phone a week later, they reassured her that she would always be family – she was the mother of their grandchildren and would always be their daughter too. Mary was especially supportive, telling Sue that Stan would be lost without her, and that it was too bad he so so “thick” and couldn’t see what he had. (For the record, Stan seems to be doing just fine and is not lost at all – in fact he starting dating within weeks of moving out. It took Sue over a year and me almost 9 months to even think about dating)

Unlike a lot of divorcing couples, Stan and Sue kept most of their family traditions. They spent 2 weeks on the Jersey shore at a big family reunion this June with Stan’s brothers and sister, the grandparents and cousins. So when Sue thought about their Christmas traditions, she decided to invite Mary and Patrick back this year – to stay in her house with Sue and the kids. The children live with Sue full-time – Stan moved into a small bachelor pad at the WaterWorks which isn’t big enough for more than one child at a time.

This is Sue’s first Christmas as a single mom and she tells me that somehow it’s not feeling that much different from last year. She’s spending nights drinking wine talking to her in-laws, making them coffee in the morning, and making sure they feel comfortable. The kids are running in and out with their friends and they’ve had a lot of parties and sleep overs. So it feels like old times.

Except maybe a few hours Sue spent this afternoon in the company of “Jimmy” – under the guise of getting groceries for the big holiday dinners coming up. Sue tells me it’s hard enough to juggle dating with the kids – now she have the ex and the ex-in-laws to worry about as well. But she’d rather have a house full of family and ex-relatives than be alone for the holidays, and somehow Sue is lucky enough to be getting the best of both worlds right now.

Don’t know if I could do this!

Merry Christmas!

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One thing that’s fun about dating again after 20 years of marriage is that I get to feel like a teenager again – except that instead of sneaking around behind my parents, I am hiding from my kids. Only now I have the added complication of being always connected via cell phone, something I didn’t have to deal with the first time around.

I went to a Christmas party last night, and invited a date, CURIOUS. Before I left, Billy — my son who’s a freshman in college, home for Christmas break — asked me when I would be back, and I said probably around 11:00.

After the party, C and I went to his place for drinks. C made a little show of turning off his cell phone when we got there, and gave me a “now it’s your turn” kind of look, but I like to be available in case my kids really need me, so I left my phone on. Sure enough, ten minutes later it rang. It was my youngest, Zack. I answered “Is this an emergency?” and and he said, “Yes, Mom. I can’t find the TV remote. Where is it?” It seems that Zack’s idea of an emergency differs from mine. I told him to ask his brother, hung up, and buried the phone in the bottom of my purse to muffle it. Meanwhile, C fixed us another couple Black Russians.

“C” and I stayed up late talking, etc. I thought I heard the phone ring once or twice, but I wasn’t really paying attention. Around midnight, my parental conscience kicked in, and I decided it was time to head home. I checked my phone. There were 6 missed messages! All from Billy. He had called every ten minutes starting at 11:04 PM.

I called him back immediately, wondering if something was wrong.

“Mom, where are you?” he asked. “You said you would be home at 11:00, and that was an hour ago. Why didn’t you pick you your phone? Are you okay?”

I told him I was fine, that I went out with some friends after the party, and we had gone to one of their houses for drinks. The music was loud, the phone was on low, and I hadn’t heard it ring.

“Mom, if you are drinking, are you sure you should drive home?” he asked. “Maybe you should just stay where you are and drive back in the morning.”

I assured him I was fine but had to laugh. I’m not sure C would have complained if I had proposed a sleepover.

When I got home, Billy was up waiting for me. He didn’t ask to smell my breath, but he did remind me that I had work the next day and I had better get some sleep. He left for college 4 months ago a child, but he’s apparently come back grown up, and I’m the one acting like a teenager.

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I joke I live in Pleasantville, but it’s only Mt. Lebanon. Everyone seems to know everyone, they all go to the Friday night football games, the moms all stay home and bake cookies and work in the PTA , or seem to. Like in Lake Wobegon, all the kids are above average. This last point is an indisputable, proven by the fact that 80% of the high school student body is on the honor roll, the high honor roll, or the highest honor roll, and the senior class medium QPA is hovering close to 4.0. (I am making this up, but I think it’s true)

One tradition we have on our street is the Ladies’ Neighborhood Happy Hour, recently changed to Ladies’ Neighborhood Respite Hour for reasons unknown to me. We rotate homes and get together every Friday at 5:00 for an hour of socializing.I can’t make them all, but I get to as many as possible.

The ladies on our street range form young mothers in their mid 30′s to grandmas in their 70′s. Most are married, but we have 2 divorced and dating ladies in our group, Shelly and I, and we both like to talk. Luckily the married ladies tolerate our stories and are quick to give us their advice.

A few weeks ago, we were at Shelly’s house. She had a dilemma and wanted advice. Shelly is sharp and intellectual woman in her early 50′s and much more picky about her dates than I am. I’ll have a coffee with anybody – I just don’t see the harm. I have yet to lose control because of a double espresso and allow a man to take advantage of me. But Shelly prefers to vet her dates through long email exchanges (she’s a writer) and will only then move to the telephone, and then, if they are lucky, they get a face-to-face meeting.

A good looking 38-year pediatric oncologist (I’ll call him PEDON) had emailed her, and despite the 17-year age difference, she had decided to email back. He was witty, articulate, and interesting, but made it clear in his emails that he didn’t want an internet pen-pal – he wanted to meet her.

Shelly was torn. She passed around copies of the emails and asked the neighborhood girls what to do.

It’s so much easier to make decisions for others – every single lady, including the very proper wife of a local politician, told Shelly to go for it. They all had dating advice, despite the fact that some hadn’t dated in 50 years or more.

Somehow dating can seem like so much more fun when someone else is doing it.

Shelly took the advice and got together with PEDON. At the next Happy Hour we found out how it had worked out. They had met at Mitchell’s Fish Market at the Galleria for a drink, and had gotten along well. He was genuinely attracted to older women.

But 2 weeks later it was all over. He had ended it because he felt she wasn’t serious enough – he was looking for a long term partner, some one he would settle down with and spend the rest of his life with. Shelly, recently divorced after 30 years of marriage, wasn’t ready for that yet, and he was moving on.

It does make you question conventional wisdom. I always ignored the winks and emails from much younger men because I assumed they were looking for something superficial. Maybe next time I’ll wink back.

That would be the advice of FRIEND who earlier commented on an earlier post:

"I guess I am too old and too tied down for the almost 50 year old playboy set, hmmm, maybe there’s a reason my boyfriend is 35. What do they say about not teaching old dogs new tricks? Always wanted a puppy when I was little…… dreams do come true."

2 Comments »

I got this response from Treefrog from my last post (From Russia to Pittsburgh) – It was too good to be a comment – I am making it a post:

—————

I’ve talked to her! That’s Evgenia. But that’s silly, she’s not from Snezhinsk!

She contacted me like this:

From: violet2187ly7

Your ad caught my eye and I would like to get to know you better
….
34-year-old Woman
Barnegat Light, New Jersey, United States
seeking Men 35 – 50

So I asked her for a picture. She responded:

First of all I’d like to thank you for responding me back and I should be honest with you, I live in Russia. I live in a small town with the population 17000 people which is called Baikalsk. It is located not far from big city Irkutsk. It is in Siberia.
Everybody wants to be happy and me too. I am not after money or sugar daddies or better life.
I guess you are interested in my likes and dislikes:

• I am an orphan
• I work as a surgeon in a city hospital
• I like almost all kinds of music but I prefer Classical music and I hate rap.
• My favourite flowers are white lilies
• don’t have tattoos or piercings exept for my ears
• I don’t like winter but winters are usually cold in Russia

I guess that is all for today. Please write me back today or tomorrow.
Your new friend from Russia,Evgenia

She’s a babe! And I was relieved to learn that she disliked rap. I figured she might be asking me for money soon, so I replied like so:

To: Evgenia

Thanks. I’ve always wanted to visit Russia. I first heard of Irkutsk from playing the board game Risk (do you know it?) and of course I know of Lake Baikal from geography class. I see that Baikalsk is right on the lake and has good skiing!

I would like to visit and meet you in Baikalsk! Maybe we could go skiing together?

Unfortunately, I am in debt and I need money if I am going to travel. Do you think you could send me $2000 for my travel expenses to get to Irkutsk? I understand that it’s only $200 or so to Irkutsk from Moscow, on the Trans-Siberian Railway.

I suppose that’s the economical way to come.

I look forward to finally meeting you!

I never heard back from her.

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Men in their 40′s nd 50′s report to me that as soon as they sign up for Internet dating sites, they start to get emails from young beautiful women in their 20′s who can’t wait to meet them. The addresses are local, but the broken English suggests a non-native speaker. (Although, maybe I’m being hasty here – not all school districts prepare their young charges as well as Mt. Lebanon does)

Early in his 7-year online dating career, a friend of mine got hit on by Maria Shishkina (that’s her photo – she is really Russian actress Ekaterina Guseva). Although he did not pursue it, if he had he would have ended up eventually with a letter like this (credit: www.agencyscams.com):

Hello my love!!!

How are you today? I am so happy to read your emails. Sorry for late responding. I think i love you so much you are very handsome man and i always dream about you. I told all about our relationships to my friends and they are very happy to see how i becoming more happy then was before you.

I dont know what else i can tell you but my mind full of words of love and nothing else. Every day i hope that all its real and you are not just my imagination. My friends say you hello. I have some present for you from them. I cant wait our meeting and think about you every day.

I was in travel agency to find out how i can get to fly to you. And be with you on Birthday. I hope we can make it, and i gave your email adress to travel agent and he promised me to send you all information about my trip. But there is one thing if we want to celebrate my birthday with you in your place , you should tell me will you help me or not, cause they will sale that cheap tickets and if we meet later it will cost much more for us and then later as they say it will be much more difficult to get visa which is valid during 1 month i dont know why but they told me that.

Think about it cause i cant afford it, cause i earn only 200 USD here , but you shouldnt worry i will give it back to you your money when we meet, cause i will work in some hospital and can earn some money for you. I am sorry to tell that but i am realy want to be with you. I dont know what else i can tell, you know everithing about me.

Of course if i could i will ask all my friends to lend me some but i dont have any friends who can do it for me , please understand it, soory if it make you sad. I hope you will understand me right. I can speak with all day and night but its better to speak face to face that we can know each other better. Dont you think so.

If you want i can fly to you only for a week and we will see how things go or i can stay with you forever, all in your hands. Ok now i give you a lot of kisses from me, and i give you my heart, and i belive in my dreams to be with you soon. Love you so much. Want to touch you and kiss you.!!! bye for now.

PS I will be waiting for your replay .

From Maria Shishkina with love!!!

Russia, Snezhinsk, Popova
street 15-2

Here is her fake agency’s money letter…

Dear Sir:

Due to the request of Maria Shishkina we send you the information about the tour from Snezhinsk , Russia to the USA Foreign passport – 100 USD Tourist visa for a month , one entry- 125 USD We can offer the next flight on 25 April.

We can’t provide you with the information about the exact time Maria arrives to you, we will have that information as soon as we receive full payment and start arranging the trip. If this time is ok for You and Miss Shishkina, you should make balance payment sooner.

Since our travel agency has discounts, the total price for the trip 989USD is valid for 5 days. Roundtrip tickets with the registration of all the documents for Maria’s flight costs 989USD We arrange all necessary documents and tickets in 8-14 days after receiving the full payment for the trip.

PAYMENT INFO: You can transfer the funds for the trip of Miss Shishkina via MONEY GRAMM or WESTERN UNION system. It is the fastest and the safest way to transfer the funds. Our travel agency is officially registerred as a private businessman Sergey Shibaev, Snezhinsk , Russian Federation .

As soon as you transfer the funds on the name of our director, will you please e-mail us your full name and MTCN (money transfer control number) and we shall get the funds the same or the other day after transfer.

Payment memo: Payment for Invoice 14-742-1829

Order Now You can also transfer the funds for the trip of Miss Shishkina to our bank account and we shall receive the funds in 3-4 working days.

This was an early scam and is pretty obvious, although some people have still got snookered. The scams are getting more sophisticated. I’ll keep you posted.

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I love Pittsburgh. It’s so different than any other place I have lived, and I find it fascinating. Pittsburgh natives seem to really love their neighborhoods, and can be reluctant to venture out of them.

I met ZZUG for a beer on a Thursday night, and SOUTH HILLS for a beer on Friday. I liked SOUTH HILLS, but he was going to the Bahamas the next day for a week, and I ended up dating ZZUG instead.

When SOUTH HILLS came back we went out again, and I told him I had started seeing ZZUG. He was skeptical that it could work out – I lived in Mt. Lebanon and ZZUG lived in Cranberry. SOUTH HILLS had dated a women in Cranberry once and it had been too far to drive. He suggested I stick to the south hills of Pittsburgh, especially since I had a house full of teenagers.

“What are you going to do if things progress?” he asked. “He can’t stay at your place. And it’s too far to drive to his place, especially since you can’t stay the night. You’ll have to get a hotel room.”

The idea of getting a hotel room seemed kind of fun, but it never happened. It didn’t work out, but it was because of another woman not the distance – in fact the other woman lived 600 miles away.

Snce then I have encountered the Pittsburgh distance issue many times. Sometimes I’m a little thick about it, especially since I get emails from men in Ohio and West Virgina who tell me they have no problem crossing state lines to see me. Then I discover guys in Pittsburgh who won’t even cross a bridge.

One such man is HAMPTON. A nice guy from the North Hills. I have a seminar every other Monday night at the Holiday Inn off McKnight Rd., so every other week for the last 6 weeks we have met for a beer close to there before my seminar started. This is a very controlled “date” – we have about a hour and a half to talk before I need to get to class.

HAMPTON had told me many times that I was really out of his driving range – it was a rare woman who could entice him into the South Hills. I have a healthy ego, and thought I just might be rare enough. I decided to go out on a limb and suggested we meet on a Friday night for a “real” date. He asked if I would be willing to meet him in the north hills and I said I was.

The night before we were to meet my 17 year old daughter had some type of stomach bug, and I was up all night with her (about the only time a teenager still wants her mom close by is when she is vomiting or needs money).  I was tired and I had to cancel our date. When I called HAMPTON he said it was fine, he had never really considered me “girlfriend material” and we could keep meeting for our Monday night beer. I thanked him for understanding and hung up.

I took me about 30 seconds to call him back. “What do you mean, I am not girlfriend material?” My ego was obviously not all that healthy and I was a little piqued.HAMPTON gave his reasons, and they were (in order) :

1. I lived in Mt. Lebanon, and that was really too far to drive
2. I was seeing other guys and had made it clear to him that I was not ready to settle down

Well, I can’t fault him for #2 – but I still am a wee bit upset that he didn’t think I was worth the 25 minute ride. I may only have a half hour for a beer with him on Monday.

2 Comments »

Internet Dating can make for some interesting email exchanges. Here’s one I had that I had to abort – but I must say UNIQUE was persistent – and he had a mission.

—————

Hi BlueEyes,
very nice photos; i would be surprised if your figure did not match your pretty face;
~Unique

Unique
I think I have a cute figure too, although i must tell you that my first Match date (and my first date in 22 years) was kind enough to suggest that if i had the money I might consider breast implants. If you like slim women, chances are they won’t be really big up front unless they have had some help, and since I run and work out, that’s not something I’m seriously considering.
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
you sound just fine ; do you have a chat program? and you listed your butt as your best feature; why is that so?
~Unique

Unique
I won the “Best Butt” award my first year in college. No chat – I am way too slow at typing. I am not afraid of a telephone call though. And I’ll talk or meet and have coffee with anyone – its getting the second date that hard.
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
i see; are you a steelers fan?
~Unique

Unique
not really a Steelers fan
~BlueEyes

Hi BlueEyes
i may have to seduce you into being a steeler fan…..correct me if i am wrong, but a nice butt usually has nice legs; is that so? oh, also, are you a fake nail or acryllic nail person? I think natural nail, with no polish or clear polish is very sexy.
~Unique

Unique
Now we may be in real trouble – I am a real nail person but have terrible nails. I am a nail biter. If this is a deal breaker i don’t mind – rather find out now that later. It was either this or the photos of my dog I was about to send you.
~BlueEyes

(note: see Love Me Love My Dog – this was Unique’s Profile)

BlueEyes
let me ask you this, i have an erotic side to me; how would hat appeal to you….do your nails look as if you bite them?
~Unique

Unique
yup – they look terrible. If you have a thing for nails I am not your girl!
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
that is ok, better than acryllic stuff; so do you have nice legs with that nice butt, and what about my erotic side; would that appeal to you?
~Unique

Unique
I would hope you have an erotic side – but is this a nice way of saying you want something sexual right away? What are your expectations with all of this?
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
no, not a nice way of saying that right away…
~Unique

Unique
then what do you mean about having an erotic side – i hope we all do unless we are already dead…. isn’t that why we want to date rather than just have a bunch of friends? You are good with words – you can help me out here….
~BlueEyes

hi BlueEyes
that is true; erotica can be misconstrued as sexual passion and desire; that is just the basics of it; it entails fantasies, actually done or thought of and shared to see if two people are compatible in that area..
~Unique

Unique
So you like sexual fantasies. With me it wouldn’t happen right away. Flirting is easy, but acting on the flirtations is not something I would do right away.
Always better to be very clear about these things… most of life is managing expectations…
you can drop out of this conversation at any time.
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
i am not dropping out; do you want me too? do you ever smoke when social drinking?
~Unique

Unique
yes – but I try not too. Alcohol is a depressant, and nicotine s a stimulant, so if I drink too much I feel like smoking. So I try not to drink too much. 2-3 drinks is really my limit.
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
were you referring to pot too?
~Unique

Unique
When you say something I make the mistake of taking the most innocent meaning. Last time I smoked pot was in college many years ago. I don’t love it – it makes me feel “away” and I prefer to be feel “here.”
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
would you be open to doing it again? I have had it a time and like it
~Unique

Unique
I am open to almost anything – but I don’t want to start smoking pot regularly. Do you do this drill with all your match dates? I feel like you have about 15 test questions for me. It would be more efficient just to type them up and ask me all at once!
I see you enjoy the chase and I am of a much more practical nature. Spit it all out and I will either say yes or no and you can move on….
~BlueEyes

BlueEyes
oh,, it would not be regular at all; i find you sexy. So you would be open to almost anything; does that include sexual?
~Unique

—————

I ended the email then. Although “Unique” did email back a few more times, I never responded. I do abuse my fingernails – something a guy with a thing for fingernails could never have tolerated, so I thought it best to cut it off then, before we got into his fantasies.

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I moved here 10 years ago form Washington DC, and moved not only to the Pittsburgh area, but into Pleasantville (otherwise known as Mt. Lebanon) a quaint old fashioned neighborhood where the kid walk to school, the moms are active in the PTA, and the neighbors get together for happy hours and block parties.

Having lived all over North America, and in much more transient places (DC, San Francisco, Toronto, Boston, Montreal) I quickly learned that everyone knows everyone in Pittsburgh, and you really didn’t have any secrets. Which is fine with me because I don’t have many – I try to live my life as an open book.

The first time I dated through Match.com (after I went off for a week or two to re-group after my first date he told me to get a boob job) I had about 8 coffees, picked the guy I liked the most, and informed him that I was going to see him exclusively. ZZUG was not sure this was a good idea – he suggested I shop around for a while, but I said that after 20 years of being with the same guy, I was barely up to dating at all, and certainly not capable of juggling multiple dates and I had picked him. Since his profile was impossible and he wasn’t getting a lot of activity himself, he didn’t complain. We dated for 6 weeks.

When that didn’t work out, and I went back up on Match, I decided to try another tactic. I decided to shop as he suggested, and met and went out with a lot of “prospects.” I was honest with all of them – explaining that I was not even divorced yet and not ready to settle down soon – no point jumping out of the frying pan right into another one. Might as well jump into the fire for a while and see if I could take the heat.

This has lead to a few interesting encounters. “Date A” picked me up one morning to take me out, and as soon as I sat down in his car, he asked me how “Date B” was doing. I looked at him in surprise – I did not know that he knew “B.” He didn’t, but he was good friends with “Girl C” a woman he had met on Match who had become a good friend. “C” had dated “B” and they were also good friends. So “B” told “C” about me, who told “A”, who confronted me in the car. It was all so delicious I had to laugh – not only is Pittsburgh already a “small town with tall buildings” (Jay Speyerer’s expression) but the Pittsburgh Match community turns out to be rather close knit.

This did not surprise me. Many of my girlfriends on Match have met, emailed or dated men who have winked or emailed me. We compare notes – we ARE women and we talk! I was warned to avoid this one because he had a substance abuse problem, and that one was sweet but appeared to be battling some inner demons.

Sometimes I feel like I am back in High School, when we all knew each other and who was seeing who. I have avoided dating across state lines, figuring there must be enough eligible men right here in Pittsburgh and I didn’t have to drive to Wheeling or Columbus to meet someone. Only now am I seeing the possible appeal!

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One great thing about Internet dating is that you can very quickly meet a lot of people and are exposed to a wide range of human experiences. Divorced men with kids are usually in some contact with their ex’s and one quickly determines the relationship and it can be all over the map.

Sue has an especially amicable relationship with her ex, Stan. They talk several times a week on the phone, and he comes to the house Monday evenings. When they were married, Monday evenings were family game days – they’d eat dinner together as a family, and then play a round of Scrabble or a card game.

When they separated this January, they decided to keep the tradition. Although the kids go to his bachelor pad one at a time on the week-ends (it’s only got 2 bedrooms and they have 3 kids) during the week most of his time with the kids is spent in the family home, which is now Sue’s house.

This works for them and they claim it is the least disruptive option for the kids, all teenagers. But this strikes me and many of their dates as very weird. Sue tells me that men who have an equally friendly relationship with their ex-wives are fine with it – even relieved that they found someone who will not be jealous when they spend time with their kids and ex together. But guys with bitter divorces can’t understand – Sue has seen had men get very disturbed when she explains their arrangement, tell her they are not comfortable with this at all. Many of Sue’s friends think Stan is taking advantage of Sue, and that she is being too accommodating.

Stan is much more strategic than Sue – he would never reveal this at a first coffee. He dated a woman without children in her mid 30′s and he didn’t tell her that family time in Upper St. Clair with the kids often also included the (soon-to-be-ex) wife. But after 4 months the issue did come up and caused problems and suspicions, and then she found out he is separated and not divorced as advertised. Now Stan finds himself back on Match.com again.

Which is how Sue offered to help her Ex improve his Match.com profile. He’s back up and hasn’t been getting the response he hoped for, and asked Sue for advice. Sue first suggested going for women his own age – but he did not like that idea. Then she said that nicer photos would help. He asked her if she could take some next time he was over, and Sue said yes. I thought she was crazy and I asked her why she would do this.

Sue said, “I’m good with a camera, and an expert at Photoshop, so why not? Stan’s adjusted his schedule to stay with the children for the week-end several times when I wanted to get away. It’s been in both our best interests, and the kids, to get along.”

I think, after a year of separation, their lives are way too tangled still. Sue thinks she knows what she is doing. She wonders why such a friendly relationship with an ex raises suspicions with potential dates.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

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