Pittsburgh Internet Dating Stories

Valentine’s Day is Coming – and I want to run AWAY

No comments »

My Mom’s friend’s heads are spinning.  They are used to seeing their friends pop up in the  obituaries but not the Church Wedding Banns.  Mom is getting married at 78, one year and 13 days after my Dad died.  They were married over 50 years, and Mom’s fiancee was also married 50 years. He lost his wife a month before Mom lost dad.

It’s bringing up a lot of emotion.  Mom and her fiancee are coming up for Thanksgiving – I’ll have  chance to get to know him better. I find myself getting more agitated as the days draw nearer.

Since I am renting out my spare bedrooms I’m not sure where I can put them. They aren’t sleeping together (that’s why they are getting married – so they can) and I don’t have that many extra rooms.  Looks like I might be on the couch.

So much has happened in the last year, my heaad is spinning too.

No comments »

This is weird and wonderful and the same time. My Mom is getting married  in December, just one year after my Dad, and her husband of 52 years, died.  I  guess I should be glad that she is reading love letters and emails instead the obituary column but it’s still a little strange. Mom, an iron lady who raised 7 children born within 9 years, was a farmer’s wife and a strict mother, has turned into a giddy love-sick teenager. It’s a facet of her I have never witnessed.  She makes me feel old.

I’m dating too, after my divorce, but I’m a lot more cautious. She feels time passing, and wants to grab the time she has left. She says that her years with Dad and raising us were her life’s meal – solid and fulfilling, but this romance is her dessert – the sweet end, the reward.

The part that’s a little embarrassing is when she talk about her desire – how she can’t wait to get married so she can have a “full relationship” with Geert.  They are both so old they can’t drive at night, so when they visit late, they have to sleep at each others houses.  Mom says she can’t wait to sleep in his room instead of the guest room.  In fact, this is the reason they are getting married – so they can have sex. (They are both good Catholics, and there is no point throwing that away this late in the game.)

I tell this story to all my friends in their 50′s who wonder if they are “too old” to date. I know my Mom was not out looking, but love found her, and now she’s not old at all – she’s a young girl agian.  It is weird and wonderful.

No comments »

I  came across this doing research for a client…  a family therapist and marriage counselor. I loved the last paragraph.  (This is from www.barbaradeangelis.com)

HOW SOON AFTER GETTING DIVORCED SHOULD SOMEONE START DATING AGAIN? HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE READY TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP?

It all depends on circumstances surrounding your divorce. The more wounded, angry or victimized you feel about your break up, the longer you need to wait before even thinking of getting involved again. If your relationship ended very badly or suddenly, you will need more time than if the break up was mutual and long overdue. If you have children, you will probably need more time to stabilize the family than if you and your mate didn’t have kids. If there was infidelity, you will definitely need a longer healing period than if the marriage ended amicably. Understanding the four stages of recovery mentioned earlier in this section will also help you identify where you are in your post-relationship process, and therefore, when you’re ready to get involved again.

A few important cautions: Don’t jump into a new relationship just to fill up the emptiness and avoid facing your pain. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your former partner was the problem, and now that you’re done with him or her, all you need to do is find someone else. (Remember–you chose that person…Find out why before you choose someone else. And after reading through these advice sections, I’m sure you know that I am going to tell you that you need to do some deep emotional work on both understanding and healing your past, as well as getting clear on how to avoid making mistakes in the future.

Now, it’s possible that in spite of everything I’ve said, the Universe will suddenly deliver a wonderful new partner into your life very soon after your break up, and in the midst of your healing process. Please–if you find yourself falling in love with a wonderful person who is committed to his growth and supportive of yours, who acknowledges your need to heal, and who is everything you’ve ever wanted, don’t say “Could you come back in about nine months?” Grab on to him, and thank God for bringing you someone to keep you company during your recovery, and even aid you in the process. Love is a gift and has it’s own sense of cosmic timing that is often unfathomable.

No comments »

Marriage On and Off the Rocks

A friend of mine, Chris Posti, is publishing a book, Marriage On and Off the Rocks. This book contains 24 true stories of men and women who have gone through difficult times in their marriage – some have been able to keep their marriages together and others have not.

I was interviewed for the book and was pleased to find that my story made the cut – under a fictitious name of course (you won’t find BlueEyes1962 in the book!)

Chris says, “It is my hope is that these true stories will serve as a mirror, showing the reader what he or she needs to do to have a successful marriage or a successful life after a divorce, whether or not they decide to remarry.”

My story is an old and familiar one, which is probably why it is included. I married the wrong man for the wrong reason, then tried desperately to make it work for 20 years, even while it floundered on the rocks. Freedom came when I finally abandoned ship.  I am now dating a wonderful man, but I doubt I would have looked at him twice 25 years ago. Then, I wanted someone who would “save” me and take care of me – now I know the only person who can do that it me.

Because I am freed from needing a protector/provider/alpha male I can have an equal relationship with a real man.  It’s so wonderful – I have never had this before. When I was younger I was looking at utility (Will he be a good Dad? Will I be able to stay home and raise me own kids? Will he keep me safe?) and never thought of the price I might have to pay for these things. Now I don’t want anything from a man except to really know him and love him, and be known and loved back.

Chris takes real stories such as mine, presents them in our own words, and asks questions to make you think. I  encourage you to check out Chris’s book (for sale Aug 10) and her blog: http://www.marriageonandofftherocks.com/

PS. May I make another plug for a dear friend of Chris’?  Bernice Boyden, through her company, Success Matters Coaching & Consulting,   coaches people through transitions in their lives – job changes and personal changes, including divorce.  Her business is young, and the website is still under construction, but you can find it at http://www.successmatterscc.com

No comments »

About a month ago I got an email from a good friend with the subject line “Karen sent you photos on Tagged ”

I clicked and got: “Karen W**** sent you photos on Tagged.  Want to see the Photos?” and two big buttons “Yes” and “No.”  Then it added “Please respond or Karen might think you said no. ”

I didn’t want Karen to think I said no, so I clicked yes.

This took me to the Tagged site, where I had to fill out sceeen after screen before I could see the photos.  I got as far as uploading a photo, and then realized I was being sucked into something I didn’t want to do, and I quit.

Soon my in-box was filling up with messages from “Tagged”:

Jay R sent you a message…
Henry Z winked at you…
Chris F clicked YES on you….
John S added you as friend….
Bruce R commented on your photos….

I ignored them, but decided to check one out today.  I read the message first (one long paragraph – I broke it up into sections for your benefit and deleted whole sections):

how are you? my name is john. i live south of pittsburgh in a town call canonsburg.i came back last year from iraq. my unit got deploy in jan.21,05 till june 21,06. i am retired now as of nov 19,2006 22 years from the military. i work for coca cola.there i work alot of hours but i could make some kind of arrangement to met with the right on.

i read your profile. you sound like a very beautiful lady and a beautiful lady like yourself deserves a beautiful poem.Just as a wave is lifted by the shore, Then breaks across the slowly rising sand, So as I watch you weep my feelings pour Across the wash of what I understand. I wish I could just take you in my arms And all your pain could melt into my chest, And all the violence of passing storms Could pass through me and finally come to rest. No words can set things right or presence lend A miracle to light your darkened way, But there is solace in a loving friend And comfort in what I don’t have to say. Whatever circumstance you cannot bear, Just turn to me, and you will find me there.

well i hope you like it. it goes with a beautiful lady. i hope i hear from you. at least let me know something not just delete me. i am a very nice guy once you get to know me. here is my e-mail address,home phone number and cell cokeman***@hotmail,com,724-745-**** and 724-766-****

Well – with an intro like that I HAD to read his profile.

Here is John S’s “About Me, which I read while blasted with very sappy love songs from the website (My daughter MADE me turn my sound off after a few minutes):

I like to treat a lady like a woman, best friend and lover not a queen. I want to be wanted and loved as I long to want & love the one and only woman in my life. I want to be in a relationship where if one is weak the other supports and we both become a force of one.

I want the lady who gets ready for bed at night, takes a shower and instead of wearing something feminine, sneaks into one of my dress shirts with just one button – buttoned. I want the lady that throws that button away in the morning (since it will most definitely fly off sometime that night) and not sew it back on like a good little lady..

I want the smell of my cologne and have that be the last thing she smell as I leave the house not the hour old coffee. I want to wake her up in the morning, have coffee on the deck,her curled up in my lap, and watch the sun come up.

I want her to greet me when i come home after a long day wearing something feminine I did not wear to bed, and greet me with a hug and kiss.

I emailed this to my boyfriend Luris (match.com Sept 2008)  and he wrote back:

My favorite line:  “I want her to greet me when I come home after a  long day wearing something feminine I did not wear to bed, and greet me with a hug and kiss.”

I want that too, sweety.  When i come home after a long day wearing something feminine I didn’t wear to bed…  wait… when I come home I want YOU to wear something feminine I didn’t wear to bed… no wait… I want YOU to be wearing something feminine that YOU didn’t… no… I’m so confused.  Let me put on my bra and panties and think this out properly.

I couldn’t leave well enough alone and had to check out the rest of p John’s site. After viewing his 239 friends (http://www.tagged.com/friends.html?uid=5379831889#filterpg=All_0)- I came upon this appeal in size 18, deep red font, all caps.  (The bold I added myself):

PYSICAL ATTRACTION WHAT IS IT? IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A PERSON THATS GOING TO TREAT YOU RIGHT. THATS GOOD. BUT IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR  PERSON THATS LOOKS ARE INPORTANT AND DON’T SPEND TIME WITH YOU THAT WRONG. SPEND THE TIME WITH THE PERSON AND DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT THERE ISN’T NO GOOD MEN BECUSE THERE ARE LOTS OF US OUT THERE. LIKE US FOR WHO WE ARE NOT FOR WHAT WE LOOK LIKE OR WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU. SPEND TIME WITH US BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN

LOOKING FOR A BEAUTIFUL AND SEXY WOMAN THATS WANTS TO BE TREATED LIKE A REAL WOMAN PLEASE APPLY

No comments »

My Dad had been in decline, but he died rather suddenly of a heart attach right before Christmas last year at the age of 83.  He and my mother had been married for over 50 years.  They raised us on a chicken farm outside of Guelph, Ontario, and had retired 20 years ago.  With the chickens gone and their 7 kids all independent and mostly out of the house (my youngest brother lingered on, living in the basement), Mom often told me that those years were the best of their marriage. They reveled in their freedom to travel (something you can’t do when farm animals need tending) and in their mobile home traveled all over the US.

A month after my Dad died, my mother met a semi-retired Dutch Canadian farmer at her sister’s 70th birthday party. They talked for all of 15 minutes, but something clicked.

Since retirement, my parents had spent a good portion of the cold Canadian winters with my oldest sister California, and Mom was leaving soon after the party to be there for 2 months. Mom and “Geert” exchanged email addresses.

When I visited Mom and my sister in California at the end of March, their relationship was blooming. Each morning, Mom would rush over to her computer and login before breakfast.  She reminded me of a giggling school girl as she read Geert’s messages and relayed them to us.

“He says as soon as I get back to Canada, I should call him and he’ll rush right over!”

It was cute and a little disconcerting at the same time.  At the very least, it gave me some perspective into my own teenages, who had to get used to me dating again.

No comments »

Dear Friends in Mt Lebanon and the South Hills:
Do you know any women who are recently divorced and who could use a little camaraderie over the holidays?  I’d like to start a very informal little group to meet for coffee (or wine or beer) a few evenings before the holidays.

The dates I picked out of the blue are:
• Friday Nov 21, 7:00 – 9:00 PM and
• either Friday Dec 12 or Dec 19.

Please think about who you know who might be missing their “family” and could use the company of other women going through the same thing.  I had a hard time last Christmas, and really feel for anyone who is going through this.  I could use some support but also want to reach out to other women in the same situation who I don;’t know who might enjoy a sympathetic ear .

Could I ask you if you would be so kind as to send this link to your friends (those happily married, like many of you, might know someone who is not).

Please feel free to have anyone call or email me with questions.  We would meet at my home in Mt. Lebanon. I can be reached at connellyp@mac.com

No comments »

My friend (and cleaning lady) Peggy is dating a guy she really likes, and she we as telling me about the trials he is going through with his ex.  They had been married for 15 years, had 3 kids together, and a few months before she left him she had major cosmetic surgery done – the whole nine yards – breasts, lipo, tummy tuck.   The worst of it was, as Peggy explained:

“He spent $20,000 on her – and he didn’t even get to benefit.  Before she had even healed, she was gone!”

It made me think – I often noticed before a couple announces their divorce that the wife suddenly starts looking really good.  We called it the “Divorce Diet.”  I guess this is just a new take on that!

PS.  I just googled the term “Divorce Diet” and it seems that it really refers to the weight people lose after their divorce – often unintentionally, because of the stress.  Here’s an example:

I’ve heard people jokingly refer to the weight you lose when your marriage breaks up as “the divorce diet,” so it seems that losing weight is really common in these circumstances. It’s been really dramatic for me…I lost almost 25 pounds in the 5 months since my husband left me, and I didn’t have that much weight on me to begin with: I went from about 135 to about 110, and I’m 5’4″.

I’m just grateful that my body responds to stress the way it does: when I’m truly stressed out I can’t eat, but I can sleep like a champ…I use it as an escape. The opposite reaction– not being able to sleep, but wanting to eat everthing in sight–would have been *much* worse, and I know that happens to some people….

No comments »

My older brother, who dated steadily from the age of 18 until he married finally at 44, sent me this video. Helen Fisher asked herself why we crave love so much, even to the point that we would die for it?

One thing she concludes is that our brain systems are designed to keep the human race going, not to make us happy. Since we feel lust for many people, romantic love is a brain system designed to focus our attention on one person. Focusing on one person allows us to settle down and have children with them.

The third brain system is long-term attachment, which is designed to keep us together long enough to raise our children.

But I don’t say it nearly as well as Helen:

No comments »