Pittsburgh Internet Dating Stories

Dear Friends in Mt Lebanon and the South Hills:
Do you know any women who are recently divorced and who could use a little camaraderie over the holidays?  I’d like to start a very informal little group to meet for coffee (or wine or beer) a few evenings before the holidays.

The dates I picked out of the blue are:
• Friday Nov 21, 7:00 - 9:00 PM and
• either Friday Dec 12 or Dec 19.

Please think about who you know who might be missing their “family” and could use the company of other women going through the same thing.  I had a hard time last Christmas, and really feel for anyone who is going through this.  I could use some support but also want to reach out to other women in the same situation who I don;’t know who might enjoy a sympathetic ear .

Could I ask you if you would be so kind as to send this link to your friends (those happily married, like many of you, might know someone who is not).

Please feel free to have anyone call or email me with questions.  We would meet at my home in Mt. Lebanon. I can be reached at connellyp@mac.com

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My friend (and cleaning lady) Peggy is dating a guy she really likes, and she we as telling me about the trials he is going through with his ex.  They had been married for 15 years, had 3 kids together, and a few months before she left him she had major cosmetic surgery done - the whole nine yards - breasts, lipo, tummy tuck.   The worst of it was, as Peggy explained:

“He spent $20,000 on her - and he didn’t even get to benefit.  Before she had even healed, she was gone!”

It made me think - I often noticed before a couple announces their divorce that the wife suddenly starts looking really good.  We called it the “Divorce Diet.”  I guess this is just a new take on that!

PS.  I just googled the term “Divorce Diet” and it seems that it really refers to the weight people lose after their divorce - often unintentionally, because of the stress.  Here’s an example:

I’ve heard people jokingly refer to the weight you lose when your marriage breaks up as “the divorce diet,” so it seems that losing weight is really common in these circumstances. It’s been really dramatic for me…I lost almost 25 pounds in the 5 months since my husband left me, and I didn’t have that much weight on me to begin with: I went from about 135 to about 110, and I’m 5′4″.

I’m just grateful that my body responds to stress the way it does: when I’m truly stressed out I can’t eat, but I can sleep like a champ…I use it as an escape. The opposite reaction– not being able to sleep, but wanting to eat everthing in sight–would have been *much* worse, and I know that happens to some people….

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My older brother, who dated steadily from the age of 18 until he married finally at 44, sent me this video. Helen Fisher asked herself why we crave love so much, even to the point that we would die for it?

One thing she concludes is that our brain systems are designed to keep the human race going, not to make us happy. Since we feel lust for many people, romantic love is a brain system designed to focus our attention on one person. Focusing on one person allows us to settle down and have children with them.

The third brain system is long-term attachment, which is designed to keep us together long enough to raise our children.

But I don’t say it nearly as well as Helen:

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Just what goes on Sundays at your place?
If I meet a hot guy…here’s the average Sunday…morning sex…coffee…sex…shopping…dinner with the family…see a movie…wine…night sex. But that’s sunday, not everyday can be sex 3x’s a day, just sundays…well okay saturday’s too!

Job: medical/dental
Which virtues give you most of your self confidence?
The fact that I could write a prescription that would render you unconscious. (Just Kidding)

If you could ‘Do Lunch’ with anyone, who would it be?
That’s an easy one, Osama Bin Laden. That way when he wasn’t looking I could put a triple dose of anthrax in his food and that terrorist moron would ‘drop dead’!!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I think if I could change something about myself it would be to never have did so much LSD in the 60s, no, wait I was born in the 70s-nevermind….

Someone may want to say “hello”, but not know how to get the ball rolling.
WELL, THEY COULD ALWAYS COMMENT ON MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR, MY BEAUTIFUL BROWN EYES, MY FLAWLESS SKIN, MY BODY BEAUTIFUL…

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“The man with the clear head is the man who … looks life in the face, realizes that everything in it is problematic, and feels himself lost. As this is the simple truth - that to live is to feel oneself lost - he who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look round for something to which to cling, and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere, because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas; the ideas of the shipwrecked. … He who does not really feel himself lost, is lost without remission; that is to say, he never finds himself, never comes up against his own reality.”~ Ortega y Gasset

I read “Revolt of the Masses” by Ortega y Gasset as a freshman in college, over 25 years ago, but I always remembered his analogy of the “shipwrecked man.” The last 2 years, since my divorce after 20 years of marriage, I’ve really identified with it.

I had been secure in a comfortable, if unhappy, marriage and Mt. Lebanon suburban life. I thought I had the answers, and if I followed the rules, things would turn out okay. When they did not, and I found myself bobbing in the open water, looking for something to cling to for support, and I was willing to try anything.

It’s been a interesting ride. I’ve read Martha Beck, Eckhart Tolle, Joan Borysenko and Henri Nouwen, and  many more. I did the Landmark Forum, the Advanced Course, and am taking Landmark’s “Sex and Intimacy” seminar. I did a coaching series with a holistic nutritionist, started monthly massages, and tried yoga. I am seeing both a psychotherapist and a “healer.”

I’m not sure where it’s all going to lead, but I am hoping I’ll gain a little self-awareness. I was able to “keep it together” for a long time, but only because I had crammed myself in a tight little box. Now that my mind is starting to open, I am also starting to see my own culpability - I’m not and have not always been the good, honest, loving person I thought I was. I see I am capable of horrible meanness, cowardly behavior, and spinelessness.

Frankly, it’s been a shock. Yesterday, in my therapist’s office I took a hard look at myself and cried, “What kind of person would do such a thing?” He said my guilt was good. If I was evil, I would be justifying and rationalizing my behavior. Feeling bad was a clue that I was also good.

I’m hoping he’s right.

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I had lunch with a good friend I met through Match.com today, and we talked about long-term dating goals. He said he was “looking for someone who would make him stop looking,” which I thought was rather clever. Brian is in his mid 50’s and has been divorced for over 10 years but none of his previous relationships through online dating have been really serious. I asked him why not.

“Online dating is like a huge buffet,” he said. “It’s hard not to be continually thinking that something better might be out there. So you don’t invest as heavily in who you are seeing because you know there are always other options.”

I think this is an issue. The old way, when you met people through “natural means” - your social set, the neighborhood hang-outs, friends who knew someone else single, etc. - you might meet an eligible prospect a few times a year.

But now, with online dating, suddenly it seems every available person in Pittsburgh (and Western PA, Northern West Virginia, and Ohio) is online. It’s easy to feel like you are comparison shopping. No one is perfect, but you can date and compare 5-10 likely candidates at the same time. As you cycle through relationships, it might give you less incentive to make your current relationship work.

NetDatingPro referred to this in this post about Online Dating Addictions

PS. As far as how many people I might really meet outside the internet, I can only guess. I met my ex-husband when I still in college in San Francisco, and the city was teaming with young singles of all stripes. But as a Mt. Lebanon mom in my mid-40’s with teenage children, I have no idea how I would meet single men if were not for the internet. They aren’t hanging out with the neighborhood ladies as we get together for our weekly cocktails at 5:00 PM on Fridays, they aren’t sitting in the bleachers with me at my kids’ track meets (my ex usually is), and they aren’t trolling in the produce section of the South Hills Market District grocery store. So where the heck do I find single guys (outside of the internet) if I don’t want to spend the rest of my life celibate?

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For fun, I decided to do the free “chemistry predictor” on plenty of fish. According to the site, here’s what they test:

The Plentyoffish Relationship Chemistry Test measures five broad dimensions of personality that are each essential for building a romantic relationship… Based on decades of empirical research in psychology, the POFCT captures the five key ingredients that can determine whether or not two people have the “right” chemistry. The dimensions are:

Self-Confidence, or the degree to which a person feels comfortable with him or herself. People that are high in self-confidence tend to be assertive and competent in both their private and public relationships. People that are low in self-confidence tend to be reticent and somewhat anxious.

Family Orientation, or the degree to which a person supports and values the family. People that are family oriented tend to want or already have children, are very close to their immediate relatives, and prefer cooking at home to eating at a restaurant. People that are not family oriented tend to be individualistic, unconventional, and very much enjoy attending parties and social functions.

Self-Control, or the extent to which a person exerts control over various aspects of life. People that are high in self-control tend have strong emotional reactions to things and try to regulate those feelings by micromanaging and attending to specific details. People that are low in self-control are usually relaxed, even-tempered, and lenient.

Openness, or the extent to which a person is open to and dependent upon others. People that are high in openness tend to like a wide range of things (e.g., food, music, movies, etc.), in part because they are concerned with pleasing other people. In contrast, people low in openness are very independent and opinionated; they know what they like and aren’t apt to change their opinion.

Easygoingness, or a person’s work ethic and degree of mental flexibility. People that are high in easygoingness are very relaxed, broadminded, and unaffected by change. In contrast, people low in easygoingness tend be hardworking, firm, and sometimes inflexible.

I wondered how accurate this test is, so I tried and I found it revealing, and quite accurate for me. This is not all flattering! Here are the results:

As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.

The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.

As someone low in family orientation, you’re not sure whether raising children and developing a family is what you want out of life. If you already have children, you enjoy spending time with them, but may feel somewhat constrained by the stress of being a parent and wish to “cut-loose” more often than you may be able to.

It’s not necessarily that you are opposed to the idea of having a family, it’s just that you’re not convinced that the domestic lifestyle is for you. This sentiment is illustrated by the fact that you don’t particularly enjoy doing things around the house—like cooking and entertaining guests. Instead, you tend to prefer eating out at restaurants and going to clubs and parties. Your voracious appetite for excitement might make staying at home on a weekend night unappealing.

Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not.

As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. Nonetheless, you still experience many short-lived pleasures and are never thought of as boring.

As someone moderate in openness, you have an appreciation for art and nature, but are also down to earth and realistic. On the one hand, it’s likely that you are fond of music and art, and on the other hand, enjoy and appreciate things that have a clear point and some sort of practical utility.

Additionally, you have a certain degree of awareness of your own emotions; that is, you tend to notice when you’re feeling a particular way and take those feelings into account when making decisions.

Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, you may become frustrated with people that are too unconventional or traditional. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share both your open-mindedness and realistic nature.

Easygoingness refers to one’s ability to relax. Based on your score, you are high in easygoingness and appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time.

Because you are more relaxed than most people, you’re probably attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.

It’s an interesting personality test and I don’t think many people who know me well would argue with the results.

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I got a call last night from a woman friend I met on match.com. I used the site to email 50+ woman 40 years and older asking for online daitng stories, and Debbie’s the only one who emailed back. Needless to say, I am very appreciative of her friendship - she may be one in a million, but I have statistical proof that she’s at least 1 in 50. Debbie wanted to go out for a drink at RPM’s (1020 Washington Pike, Bridgeville, PA) to sit outside and have some free wings, and wondered if I could join her.

My daughter graduated from Mt. Lebanon High School last night, so I couldn’t go - I couldn’t even return Debbie’s phone call in the madness before graduation. I’m in the process of getting my house painted, and this was the day they were doing my daughter’s bathroom - we couldn’t find any of her make up and things were a little nuts. Not as bad as the year before when my older son graduated and I couldn’t find my only set of car keys (they were in the kitchen sink under a pile of dishes) but not really calm.

I called her back today but we’re playing telphone tag. I do know what the issue is, bcause she emailed me:

A Lesson Learned by Debbie (and I need to take my own advice)

If you’ve been in a romantic relationship for a year or more, and your guy agrees to be sexually exclusive yet continues to keep his dating profile active, it means that he does not have both feet in the relationship and is keeping his options open.

And, he is more than likely (or at least wanting to) dip his wick elsewhere. He may be stringing you along for the great sex. Unlike the female brain and heart, some men separate emotions from sexual gratification.

What ever the case may be, all of the above aren’t the hallmarks of a relationship that can progress!

And never let somebody, man or woman, tell you that black is white when you know the score. Always have boundaries and acknowledge when they have been crossed and put yourself first instead of someone who does not care enough about you.

Be good to yourself. Remember who you are. Get the key back and move on.

Don’t beat yourself up for having worn those “I’m in love” blinders. Love can and does make us, male and female, blind. (Cliches are fixtures of speech for good reason.)

There are plenty of good, emotionally available men out there in the dating world. Eventually you will meet one with enough savvy to recognize you as a gem shinning brightly upon that pile of recently broken rocks. The one who did not see you as a flower amidst weeds needs new glasses.

Here’s to finding a match deserving of our love!
Debbie

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A friend wrote:

BlueEyes:

Since the pgh internet dating site is your blog, I was wondering if you might start a thread on whether online dating is addictive. I truly think I may have a problem - do we need to start Online Daters Anonymous?

My friends are convinced I do. Seriously, I don’t know if other people are using it like I am as a bandaid for wounded self esteem. Maybe it’d be interesting to find out.

I think it can be addictive - there is always the promise of something better out there, and the thrill and excitement of meeting new people. Fantasies can be so much better than reality. My apologies to Ben Franklin but two in the bush can seem to be better than one in the hand - or at least more exciting. (Guys - get your minds out of the gutter on that quote)

NOTE (June 10, 2008):
Seems I was wrong about Ben Franklin - the phrase predates him by many years.

This is from http://www.answers.com/topic/bird-in-the-hand:

It is better to accept or be content with what one has than to try to get more and risk losing everything. Cf. 13th-cent. L. plus valet in manibus avis unica quam dupla silvis, one bird in the hands is worth more than two in the woods. Parodied by the American actress Mae West (1892-1980) in the 1934 movie Belle of the Nineties: ‘A man in the house is worth two in the street.’

It is more sekyr [certain] a byrd in your fest, Than to haue three in the sky a-boue.
[c 1450 J. Capgrave Life of St. Katharine (EETS) ii. iii.]

Betyr ys a byrd in the hond than tweye in the wode.
[c 1470 Harley MS 3362 f.4]

You haue spoken reasonably, but yet as they say, One Birde in the hande, is worth two in the bush.
[1581 N. Woodes Conflict of Conscience iv. i.]

That Proverb, A Bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush, is of more Authority with them, then are all?testimonies of the good of the world to come.
[1678 Bunyan Pilgrim's Progress i. 42]

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I went out with friend last night - a man who has been married almost as many years as I was, and is still married, but has strayed more than a few times.

Ben’s wife is not very physical at all, and he has strong physical needs - but he had a family and is especially committed to his 4 sons. He feels he is making the best of his situation - keeping his family intact but doing what is necessary to fulfill his needs.

His affairs remind me of my dating experiences. In both cases it’s so much easier than being married - there is no stress of managing the household, the kids, both your jobs, and balancing the workload between you, no tension as you negotiate money, power, in-laws, and chores, and no baggage from the 20 years of hurts and disappointments you’ve both accumulated. (My ex refused to acknowledge Mother’s Day when I had three kids 3 and under. I would agree to something and then change my mind and it drove him crazy)

When I told Ben the story of my friend Liz who fought with her boyfriend because he did not approve of her choice of beers and this eventually lead to their break-up, Ben laughed. “You will always find something to fight over,” he said, “If it’s not something important like whether you should spend the $5,000 on a family vacation or put it into Sammy’s college fund, it will be about something trivial like beer. But couples will always fight. It’s human nature.”

Two people will never agree on everything, so the cause of the fight is not as important as how it is resolved. One thing is certain - the disagreements when dating are gong to be a lot smaller than the ones you will have if you live together or get married.

It is exactly for this reason that many people my age (mid 40’s and above who can’t or don’t want to have any more children) are leery of living together or marriage. Why put that strain on a relationship when there is no clear benefit? We are financially independent, have our own homes, jobs, kids leaving the nest, etc. Why complicate things?

Jason, a friend from Match.com, has been married and divorced 4 times, so he knows a thing or two about it, and his advice is to avoid moving in as long as possible:

“You know how great is is to go on vacation with someone - you have no cares, no worries, just a wonderful time and great vacation sex. Dating can be like that- and if so you want to keep it like that as long as possible.”

“But a relationship is a bit like a shark - it dies if it’s not moving, and it seems like you can’t just keep it in “dating” mode even if you try - before you know it she’s moved in and you’re fighting about who takes out the trash. And then it’s on it’s way to being over.”

I did meet a man who has been dating the same woman for over 30 years - they have never lived together and they are still in love. I am going to try to get him to give me his insights, and I’ll keep you posted.

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